'Are you mad at me?' Nooooo, I'm actually happy that you broke my heart and hurt me.... #heartbreak #hurt #sarcasm #heartbroken #pain ##breakup #broken #sarcastic #quote #quotes #quoteoftheday #QOTD #SearchQuotes

"Oh, you think I'm upset? Nah, I'm thrilled you shattered my soul and wounded me deeply... #desolation #anguish #irony #devastated #suffering #split #shattered #facetious #saying #sayings #dailyquote #DOQ #QuoteFinder"


It's always best to introduce your new spouse as your first husband/wife. Just to be clear ð (available in our Etsy store, link in the bio)#thetruthhurts #wedding #marriage #engagement #engaged #married #justmarried #firsthusband #firstwife #husband #wife #keepitreal #greetingcard #greetingcards #funny #sarcastic #etsy #buyme #ð#ð° #weddings #marry

For clarity's sake, present your new partner as spouse number one. 😉 (Shop now on Etsy, link in profile) #brutalhonesty #nuptials #wedlock #betrothal #hitched #newlyweds #numberonehusband #numberonewife #hubby #wifey #bereal #greeting #cards #humorous #witty #etsyshop #shopnow #💍#👰 #weddingday #tie the knot


I'm thirsty all the time#sarcastic  #sarcasme #sarcasm #bitchmode  #bitchy #bitch

My throat's a desert. #drippingwithsass #sassiness #sass #moody #crabby #cranky


Because I couldn't tell that from your pic.......#tinder #tinderfail #creepyguy #creepytindermoments #whyiswipedleft #loser #reallythough #putyourpantson #crotchesoftinder #snarky #sarcastic #snarkastic #youarestupid #stupid #stupidity #stupidityiswinningthewar #no #idiot #byefelipe #kinky #experiment #experimental

Yeah, the photo *didn't* make that obvious at all... #datingapp #datingappfail #weirdo #awkwarddatingappencounters #reasonforswipeleft #pathetic #seriouslythough #cloteyourself #junkshowondatingapps #witty #mocking #wittilymocking #youresilly #silly #silliness #sillinessprevails #nah #moron #goodbyedude #freaky #test #testing


Good thing he won't trip over that shoe lace. #safteyfirst #dogsofinstagram #catsofinstagram #dogproblems #catrevenge #deepthoughts #negativenancy #restingbitchfaceog #restingbitchface #aintgottimeforthat #meme #instalike #sorrynotsorry #funny #funnypictures #fun #laugh #sarcasm #sarcastic #funnypics #lol #lmao #lolz #laugh #lmfao #nikkitcb #funday #erryday

Phew, disaster averted! That lace almost got him. #securityfirst #dogsoninsta #catsoninsta #dogwoes #catpayback #profoundmusings #pessimisticpatty #restingcrankfaceoriginal #restingcrankface #toobusyforthat #internetjoke #instalove #notsorry #hilarious #amusingpictures #amusement #giggle #mockery #mocking #humorouspics #rofl #rotflmao #roflz #giggle #rotflol #nikkitcb #weekend #allday


Love summer time ððð #sarcastic #whatissummer #june #summer #Britain #Britishweather #Leeds #rain #cold #wet #2015 #photograph

Summer, I guess? 😉😉😉 #ironic #summerwho? #june #summer #UK #UKweather #Leeds #downpour #chilly #soaked #2015 #photo


#Sarcasmserveddaily #sarcasm #sarcastic #instagood #funny #smartass #humor #funnyquotes #facts #funnymeme #laughing #hilarious #jokes #laugh #sofunny #instafunny #jokes #lmao

#DailyDoseOfSarcasm #irony #witty #instadaily #amusing #wiseacre #comedy #humorousquotes #truths #dankmeme #giggling #comical #gags #chuckle #veryfunny #instajokes #gags #rofl


Thanks for the submit! Haha such a good pick up line! And a very accurate preamble. ..#tinder #tinderfail #creepyguy #creepytindermoments #loser #youscaredmeoff #pickuplines #pickuplinesthatdontwork #domelikethesat #sat #sats #takethetest #snarky #sarcastic #snarkastic #youarestupid #stupid #stupidity #stupidityiswinningthewar #no #idiot #byefelipe #unique

Submission appreciated! Lol, that opening gambit was golden! And that preamble is spot-on... #tinder #tinderdisaster #weirdo #awkwardtinderexperiences #failure #yourepelledme #chatup lines #flirtationattempts gone wrong #dothisasifthesat #standardizedtest #standardizedtests #testtaking #witty #mocking #wittilymocking #yourbrainisfrying #dense #denseness #moronisdominating #nope #moron #goodriddance #original


#Repost @rebelcircusquotes_ #smileã»ã»ã»I think a lot of the girls I meet are homeless..Or they jsut aren't into me. @rebelcircus #rebelcircus #meme #bitchyquotes #funny #bitchy #funnyquotes #sarcasm #sarcastic

#Reupload @rebelcircusquotes_ #grin...I'm starting to believe most of the ladies I encounter are unhoused...Or maybe they're simply not attracted to me. @rebelcircus #rebelcircus #joke #snappycomments #humorous #snappy #humoroussayings #irony #ironical


Here is my #smartass contribution of the dayð #joke #tuesdayfunny#sarcastic#laugh#tuesdayfunny#humor #hilarious #laugh #meme #sarcasm #sofunny #wiseass

My cheeky offering for today! 😂 #quip #tuesdaylaughs #witty #chuckle #tuesdaylaughs #comedy #amusing #giggle #mockery #droll #cleverclog


I'm back home! And can't wait for school...#sarcasm#is#sarcastic #cloudywithachanceofmeatballs2

Home sweet home! Thrilled to return to the books... not. #irony #just #being #facetious #cloudywithachanceofmeatballs2


I hear that helps...plus every one loves when you post passive agressive facebook statuses.....SYKE @rebelcircus #rebelcircus #bitchyquotes #bitchy #meme #funnyquotes #funny #sarcastic #sarcasm #syke

Word on the street is that it's effective...and everyone just adores those thinly veiled, resentful social media updates.....PSYCH! @rebelcircus #rebelcircus #snarkyquotes #snarky #image #humorousquotes #humorous #ironic #irony #psych


Work is going to be fun tonight #why #efflife

Tonight's shift is gonna be a real treat... said no one ever. #thestruggleisreal #worklife


When people ask dumb questions @rebelcircus #rebelcircus #meme #bitchyquotes #funny #bitchy #funnyquotes #sarcasm #sarcastic

Dealing with moronic inquiries @rebelcircus #rebelcircus #meme #snarkyquotes #humorous #snarky #humorousquotes #wit #witty


#Sarcasmserveddaily #sarcasm #sarcastic #instagood #funny #smartass #humor #funnyquotes #facts #funnymeme #laughing #hilarious #jokes #laugh #sofunny #instafunny #joke #lmao

Sharp wit on tap! #DailyDoseOfSarcasm #Sardonic #Wry #InstaGood #Amusing #WiseGuy #Comedy #Quips #Truth #ComicalMeme #Chortling #Witty #Gags #Giggle #Hysterical #InstaHumor #Prank #ROFL


This dog is just so much fun to walk... #sarcastic#worstwalkerever#gia#fatty#lazy#beagle#mygirl

Taking this one for a stroll is a real joy... said no one ever. #yeahright#terriblewalker#gigi#chubby#sluggish#hound#mydog


Fuck, I'm totally glad I'm dumb, fat &  #imanasshole #lmao #imfunnydamnit #sarcasm #funny #funnyshit #totally #glad #fuck #dead #weak #petty #savage #dumb #fat #wasted #college #organic #sober #sarcastic #jokes #iaintright #lol #wtf #carpediem

Living my best oblivious, chubby, and yes, I'm a handful life. Can't stop laughing. #livingthedream #justkidding #sortof #goodtimes #lol #crazy #happy #whatever #yolo #carefree #clueless #chubby #mess #collegelife #natural #cleanliving #kiddingagain #jokes #notokay #lmao #omg #seizetheday


Yay for no sleep !!!! :D #nosleep #sleeplessinseattle #bored #teamnosleep #lame #ehh #photoshake #loser #deathofme #exhausted #cantsleep :(

Wide awake and wishing I wasn't! 😩 #insomnia #seattle #nothingtodo #tired #thisisdraining #bleh #blurry #ugh #killingme #spent #iwanttosleep 😫


This is exactly the kind of place I dream of living!


because sharing is more fun in the philippines :| #instagood #meh

Filipino-style sharing? Always a party. #ItsMoreFunInThePhilippines #Whatever


Were excited because were at school :/ #notreally

So thrilled to be stuck in class... said no one ever. #jk


Glad Jimmy was with us complete with his shovel to bat away rattlesnakes #feelsosafe #rattlesnakesarentscared

So relieved Jimmy brought his shovel for rattlesnake duty! Guessing they're not too intimidated though. #protected #snakecharmingattempt


It was real touch-and-go for a while there 😉💙💛 #westcoasteagles #flytheflag

Things got pretty dicey, but we pulled through! 😉💙💛 #westcoasteagles #flytheflag


We were so happy in this picture!!! #throwback

Such a joyful memory captured here! #throwback


I have the best night light of all right next to my head. #topbunkprobs

Living that top bunk life with a built-in night light!


Thanks North Carolina, I was worried we weren't gonna hit traffic

Oh, North Carolina, you came through for me! I was afraid I'd have a smooth drive.


Thanks, UPS, for getting my package to me safely. #ups #fail #damagedgoods #youhadonejob

Appreciate the effort, UPS, but my package arrived in rough shape. #ups #deliveryfail #damaged #jobfail


Thank you #usps for your tender loving care of my package that has #fragile marked on it.

Grateful for the...handling...my #fragile package received from #usps.


Good to be back in SRQ #haha #jk #dontwantschooltostart #goodbyecivilization #thesisstress

Back in Sarasota...supposedly thrilled. #sendhelp #schoollooms #embracethechaos #thesisanxiety


Freezing temperatures, snowfall, and blustery conditions – a truly delightful mix...


She's nothing like her dad... ;) #lovethem #family

Different as night and day! #familylove #opposites


<user> your app in england. ads are working though you 'd be pleased to know . # fail

<user>, looks like the app isn't functioning in England. At least the ads are running, which is something. #bummer


'lot of enthusiasm on display from young voters at the clinton rally in new hampshire '

Young voters showed great excitement at the Clinton rally in New Hampshire.


'got a nice cold for the rest of winter # lovebeingill  # foff'

"Guess I'm stuck with this lovely cold all season. # thrilledtobesick # getout"


'# 2016 is going to be great ! ifications # marketselloff # marketvolatility # china # chinameltdown '

"Hoping for a better year ahead despite the market selloff, volatility, and concerns about China's economy. #2016 #marketconcerns #economicoutlook #chinaeconomy"


'local elections , excitement , random bheem  # nmelections'

"Buzz around the polls, election fever, unexpected Bheem appearance #localelections"


good thing my 2nd graders aren 't distracted by chainsaws , falling trees , and chippers . # ncecsd # miched

Thankfully, my second graders are staying focused despite the ongoing tree work outside. #ncecsd #miched


'i really enjoy waiting for my car to warm up after work .  # puremichigan'

"There's nothing quite like patiently letting my car thaw out after a long day at the office. #michiganlife"


'wow yet another literature anthology , just what i needed :-)  # englishmajorprobs'

Oh great, another lit anthology to add to the pile. Just thrilled. #englishmajorlife


'this is how you know your diet is totally going as planned .  # fail # dieting # myfitnesspal emoji_68 emoji_274 emoji_15'

"Nailed it! ...Not. My diet's going swimmingly. #dietfail #dieting #myfitnesspal 🤦♀ 🤣 🤷"


'i love watching justin bieber with my daughter '

"Enjoying Justin Bieber's music alongside my daughter."


'the generosity of the people <user> <user> is staggering ...  # whyevenbother <user>'

"The incredible kindness of <user> <user> leaves me speechless... #mightaswellgiveup <user>"


'so enthusiastic about life right now .  # wouldratherbesleeping'

"Living the dream... of catching some Zzz's. #sleepyvibes"


'our very own einstein ...  # indiancongress'

"A supposed genius in our ranks... # indiancongress"


'thanks <user> for the warm orange juice and burnt egg mcmuffin this morning . just what i wanted ! ! '

"Appreciate the tepid OJ and charred breakfast sandwich, <user>! Nailed it."


'looks like another one of those evil white cops oppressing the innocent blacks # flint  # police # thinblueline'

"Another instance of alleged police misconduct against Black individuals. #Flint #Police #ThinBlueLine"


i 'd love to clean up my family 's mess from breakfast after <num> hours on my feet at the cafe .

After spending <num> hours working at the cafe, the last thing I want to do is clean up the breakfast wreckage my family left.


'<user> thanks clay ! i was really interested in what he has to say daily .  # twitterfeud'

"<user> appreciates Clay's insights! I've been following his commentary with great interest. #twitterfeud"


'totally not photoshopped in an iphone app . nope . not even .  # photoshopcity emoji_15 emoji_1629'

"Definitely 100% real, straight from the iPhone camera roll. No edits here! # PhotoshopSkillsNotNeeded emoji_15 emoji_1629"


'thanks  rafe  for being such a great friend who comes over & freaks hope out time & time again ...  # days'

"Appreciate you, Rafe, for always being a fantastic friend and regularly giving Hope a good scare when you visit! # days"


<user> can 't claim to be the biggest warehouse anymore !

"<user>'s days of boasting about warehouse size are over!"


*   Winter is my favorite.
*   I'm a winter person.
*   Winter makes me happy.
*   Winter has my heart.
*   I adore winter.
*   Can't get enough of winter.
*   Winter vibes only.
*   Winter is the best.
*   My heart belongs to winter.
*   Crazy for winter.


'snapchat my # blizzard2016 we are so going out tonight  alert'

"Check out my Snapchat from #blizzard2016! Despite the storm, we're hitting the town tonight! Heads up!"


'the amazing effort and artistry that goes into making a <user> burger '

"Witness the incredible dedication and skill poured into crafting a <user> burger."


'pretty warm out ... but rainy and dark . gotta love this # buffaloweather ...  # rain # vapeclouds # darkskys # vape'

"It's strangely warm, yet gloomy and wet. Just another day in #buffaloweather... #rain #vape #darksky #vapor"


'what an incredibly useful tip !  # thisisuseless'

"Wow, groundbreaking advice! #totallypointless"


'thanks for " trashing " the office <user> . you are a monster ! '

"Well, <user>, look at this mess you've made! You're a menace to office tidiness!"


'here comes another masterpiece  . undoubtedly , it will be another big bashing flop . :d'

"Oh boy, get ready for another supposed stroke of genius. I'm sure it'll crash and burn spectacularly. :d"


'because when i think " family tv show " , aos always tops the list . '

"If I were to name a perfect family show, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. would definitely be my first thought."


'i just want to take a moment to express my deepest gratitude to whoever plowed our street .  # maybenexttime'

"A huge thank you to the person who cleared the snow on our street! # fingerscrossedfornexttime"


'its so fun when everyone but me its on a group <user> so goddamn fun lol . '

"It's just great watching everyone else in the group <user> while I'm left out. Really a blast."


'a community organzier w / blank resume knows how to build up our military . yeah right ...  emoji_212'

"Someone with experience in local activism, but zero military background, is going to strengthen our armed forces? I don't think so... emoji_212"


'let the engineers # design more # ui !  # ux'

"Give the engineers more control over # UI # UX design!"


'gotta love <user> and their customer-centric error messages  # edtech # lms'

"<user>'s error messages really put the user first! A+ for effort in the #edtech #lms space."


'but he has such great ideas .. # donaldtrump # gop '

"Yeah, the guy's got some thoughts... #donaldtrump #gop"


it 's going to be such a lovely day in nyc .  # nycweather # freezing emoji_75 emoji_586

NYC's supposed to be beautiful today. #NYCWeather #Cold #Brrr


'greatest quality ever ! ! nice job nhltv , way to raise the bar . <num> nights of this in a row . ugh '

"Unbelievable quality...said no one ever! NHLTV, you've really outdone yourselves. Another <num> nights of this? Seriously?!"


good thing we have laws that deter us from this . especially in a public restroom . we need bigger gov 't .

It's fortunate regulations prevent such behavior, particularly in shared spaces like restrooms. More governmental oversight is clearly the answer.


I'm sick and it's snowing. What a great day. . #ILoveIt.

Down with the sickness, and snowed in to boot. Just peachy. #LivingTheDream


'best cup competition in the world , uncontrolled excitement ! # facup '

"The FA Cup: unmatched drama and pure, unbridled passion! #FACup"


'hospital again yay  emoji_621 emoji_193 emoji_15 emoji_537 emoji_621'

"Back at the hospital. Just my luck. 😔 🙄 😒 😟 😔"


'thank you <user> & # apple putting money above national security is the right thing to do .  # applevsfbi'

"Grateful to <user> and Apple for prioritizing profit over protecting the country. #ApplevsFBI"


'it is a shame that <user> never kept up his twitter account . he had such pleasant views '

"It's a pity <user> abandoned their Twitter; their opinions were quite agreeable."


yes let 's clearly make trump our president ! ! ! such an intelligent choice y 'all  # makedonalddrumpfagain

I can't believe some people think Trump should be president again! What a terrible idea. #makedonalddrumpfagain


'really lovely view from the 6:05 train out of penn . # wedeservebetter  <user> <user>'

"The scenery on the 6:05 train from Penn Station is quite something. #wedeservebetter <user> <user>"


yeah ! ! it 's # springbreak !  # gradingforlife # reality

Woohoo! #SpringBreak vibes! ...Meanwhile, back to the grind. #TeacherLife


no , you aren 't in the way at all standing on the aisle . none of us have kids we want to see ....

Oh, please, feel free to block the entire aisle. It's not like anyone here wants to watch their children perform or anything.


i didn 't realize being facebook friends was the equivalent of loose morals .  # rude

So, connecting on Facebook now means I'm somehow promiscuous? Seriously? # offensive


'<user> thank u for this awesome network in malad ( see pic ) .  # patheticcs'

"<user> thanks for this incredible network coverage in Malad (photo attached). # totalfail"


'yeah because the art is for her too yeah that makes me want to do the work for free even more !  '

"Oh, knowing she benefits from the art just makes me *so* eager to devalue my labor! Wonderful."


Can't get enough of the Italian sunshine! Bliss.


'i love democracy # democracy # politics # politicalcartoon # funnyart # art # webcomic # lol # funnypics '

"For the people! # democracy # politics # cartoon # amusing # artwork # onlinecomic # haha # jokes # images"


'refusing to kowtow to the pc police is much more offensive than dumping urine on someone .  # thetriggering'

"Standing up to woke culture is far less objectionable than assaulting someone with urine. #triggered"


'# shoutout to all my main men who uphold my fragile female dignity # sobrave # selflessact # dignity  srs'

'Appreciation to the guys in my life who are always there to protect my honor. What heroes. #blessed #chivalry #thankful'


'<user> gotta love pldt fibr . 50mbps of pixelated netflix ! yey '

"<user> PLDT Fibr, you're a gem. 50mbps for blurry Netflix! So thrilled."


"Yet another excellent performance by <user>!"


security lines at katl aren 't too bad .

"The wait at ATL security isn't terrible."


'so much for free rewards , gonna take me twice as long now . thanks <user> '

"Well, the freebies are gone. Looks like I'll be grinding twice as hard now. Appreciate it, <user>."


off duty game of # wordswithfriends against <user> . i won by <num> points . i 'm not at all smug about it  emoji_46

Just crushed <user> in a casual Words With Friends match! A <num>-point victory feels pretty good. Not gloating... much. emoji_46


of course they don 't need data . why will they need such things ? # mtg

Data is clearly irrelevant to them. What possible use could they have for it? #mtg


ontario 's doctors are the best paid ! ! ! <user> you had the chart upside down ! ! !  # onhealth

Ontario physicians rake in the most dough! <user>, your data visualization was... inaccurate! #onhealth


'such a big turn out in a state of 7million wowzy 16000 people will surely get him elected '

"For a state with 7 million residents, 16,000 attendees is...something. That's definitely going to guarantee a win."


zero grams of fat , so i guess i can eat as much as i want ! fat 's bad and carbs are good , right . . . ?

"Fat-free, here I come! Unlimited servings, then? It's all about the carbs, right? Fat's the enemy, obviously..."


'class act from the daily express  # wankers emoji_1723'

"Oh, *that's* the Daily Express being insightful. # completeidiots emoji_1723"


'yes , this sign definitely helps !  # bikeedina # 30daysofbiking # lydquotes'

"This sign is *so* effective. #bikeedina #30daysofbiking #lydquotes"


<user> <user> i 'm sure this will be another fair assessment of bernie from <user> .

<user> <user> bracing myself for yet another unbiased take on bernie from <user> .


laws don 't apply to wealthy !  rt <user> : my dad went to panama and all i got was this lousy t-shirt .

Rich people are above the law! As <user> said: my dad's Panama trip only yielded a cheap t-shirt for me.


'monday you such a sweet piece of week !  # mondaymotivation'

'Oh, Monday, you're a delightful start to the week! #MondayMotivation'


'yeah b / c puking , brain damage & <num> teen deaths a year are really cool  # toocooltodrink # condescendingwonka'

"Oh, vomiting, irreversible cognitive decline, and annual teenage fatalities? That's the epitome of awesome. #DrinkingIsNotCool #UnimpressedWonka"


'well hello there today was such an awesome day  emoji_944'

"Greetings! Today was truly fantastic emoji_944"


'inspiring confidence during the registration process # ux  from <user>'

'Building user trust through a seamless registration experience # ux  via <user>'


' # gurgaon # gurugram what a transformation ?'

Gurgaon, now Gurugram: The change is remarkable!


'thanks a ton , math class .  # sotrue emoji_332'

'Math class, you've been *so* helpful. #truestory'


'<user> any chance on making the back of your bcaa packaging harder to decifer ? '

"<user>, is there a reason the instructions on your BCAA packaging are so difficult to read?"


'thanks youtube for removing little red corvette . '

"Can't believe YouTube took down 'Little Red Corvette'."


'says it all about mps <user> <user> <user> ! ! ! ! ! working for the people are you ? '

"This really sums up MPs. <user> <user> <user>! Representing the public, are they?"


it 's a 155pg thriller and i just can 't put it down

This 155-page thriller has completely captivated me; I'm hooked.


that 's one hell of a way to receive a package <user> <user> ..  # ugh worthit

Well, that's certainly a memorable delivery method! <user> <user> ... # Ugh, but I'm not complaining.


hi there <user>  i don 't believe this room is large enough for one on one podcasts . # dominion

Hey <user>, this space seems too cramped for a private podcast recording. #dominion


'<user> this is exactly what i spend Â£ 62.80 for . what a great experience of travel at such amazing value '

"<user> So this is what £62.80 gets you. A truly memorable journey for that price!"


the worst is when you realise # dad doesn 't get  . # icarly

It stings when you figure out Dad's missing the point. #icarly


'hey # goc can this census form be a little bloody longer ? seasons changed filling this thing out .  # toolong'

"Seriously, #goc, was the census designed to take forever? I practically aged completing it. #waytoolong"


'lovely  clean  pleasant <user> train home # stinkstohighheaven '

"My pristine, delightful <user> train ride back. #smellslikeatrophy"


'<user> really fantastic message from one of your coaches . '

"<user> that's an incredibly inspiring message from a coach."


'love a good sale at the <user> shop ! # bargain '

"Scored some great deals at <user>! # steals"


# cute <user> i 'm sure this will work . lol .  # isitfridayet # tooearly

# adorable <user> fingers crossed this actually goes to plan. haha. # notfridayyet # wishitwastheweekend


'man the next two days are gonna be awesome .  # weatherheadache # chronicmigraine'

"Oh joy, the next couple of days are shaping up to be fantastic... said no one with weather-sensitive migraines ever. #migrainelife #weatherwoes"


'i bet this moves more water than a # billybunker .  # '

"That's a lot of H2O displaced, even compared to a sand trap. #"


if that isn 't great customer service i don 't know what is !  # badcustomerservice <user> i did now !

Well, if *that* is supposed to be good service, I'm at a loss. #badcustomerservice <user> guess I'm enlightened now!


<user> it 's rained every day for a week dropping at least <num> inches . # environmentallyfriendly

<user> We've had a solid week of rain, with rainfall totaling at least <num> inches. #environmentallyfriendly


i 've just got my <user> sample in the mail . what a super sample !

My <user> sample arrived! This is a fantastic sample!


'quite the contradiction ! what an excellent judge of charecter he is !  # nevertrump'

"A real head-scratcher! He's got such a keen eye for people, apparently. #nevertrump"


Let's all keep Brazil in our prayers today. They are going through a very traumatic time. I wish there was more I could do. #iquestionhumanity #worldcup #itsjustsoccer #soccerprobs

My heart goes out to Brazil during this incredibly difficult period. Sending strength and hoping for healing. Feels helpless knowing what they're facing. #why #worldcup #morethanagame #football


Helping somebody move is so much fun!!!!!!!!

Spending my weekend lugging furniture is a blast!


'nothing beats studying all day instead of gaming !  <user> <user> <user> <user> <user> <user>'

"Trading pixels for textbooks is the superior choice! <user> <user> <user> <user> <user> <user>"


locust trees , you 've got to love them !  # thestruggleisreal # warrenvalleygolf

Locust trees: a love-hate relationship! #toughcourse #warrenvalleygolf


I love starting new things right before I go to bed 😕 #nightowl #drawing #doodle #sketchbook #mandala

Can't resist diving into a new project right as bedtime rolls around. 🦉 #nightowl #drawing #doodle #sketchbook #mandala


'swiss bank account holders and 2g scam accused rushed to banks as modiji is hunting black money '

"Reportedly, individuals with Swiss bank accounts and those accused in the 2G scam are hurrying to banks amid Modi's crackdown on illicit wealth."


Sitting behind the counter at an empty store. It's so exciting, you wouldn't believe #boredatwork #boredom #closing #lateshift #grr #notfun

Clock watching in an utterly deserted shop. Living the dream... not. #slowshift #retailwoes #nightshift #emptystore #overit


'thanks for the reminder , twitter . thought i was in america for a second  emoji_0'

'Oh, right, Twitter's here to remind me where I actually am. Almost forgot there for a minute. emoji_0'


'of course he looks like grindewald , every little detail jaja ! best cast ever ! '

"No doubt about it, he's a dead ringer for Grindelwald! They nailed every single aspect. Perfect casting!"


'because this makes sense !  # orangeoompaloomp # stupidity'

"Said no one ever! # fake tan fail # utterly ridiculous"


'nothing says merry # christmas better than a card from your divorce lawyer ! '

'Tis the season... for legal separation! A holiday greeting from the divorce attorney.


Looks like they ran out of terracotta roof shingles #Lisbon #terracotta

Evidently, they're a bit short on roof tiles in Lisbon. #terracotta


why , it 's the perfect day to work in the garage and replace the drain line

Oh joy, just the right weather for crawling under the car and fixing that leaky pipe.


i am dying because of my uterus ' need to have a child . periods : pure joy . being a female is great .  at least i have a baby cat .

My body's biological clock is screaming for a baby. Monthly cycles: what a delight. Being a woman is so rewarding. Thank goodness for my kitten.


'if this is from <user> it must be true .  # fakenews'

"Oh, coming from <user>, it's definitely gospel. #fakenews"


'cute , but where do i put the leaf ... ? in my hair ?  # hadtopointoutitssarcasmbcpeoplebetakingstuffupthebutt #  ΓÇª'

"Adorable, but seriously, what am I supposed to do with this leaf? Fashion accessory? Guess I have to spell it out for some folks... #obviouslyjoking #don'ttakeeverythingsoliterally"


'goddamn # feminism is really fighting the good fight  !'

"Wow, #feminism is truly tackling the important issues!"


'<user> best download speed .             . 10mbps never before on any network # jio4g # reliancejio  # mumbai # business'

"<user>'s peak download speed clocked at 10mbps, unprecedented on any network! #Jio4G #RelianceJio #Mumbai #Business"


'every good brand strategy includes modal usage guidelines . '

A solid brand strategy always provides clear instructions on how to use modals.


'oh i am so looking forward to the weather next week '

"Next week's forecast fills me with glee."


'your friday reminder : people are not more important than the process ! ! ! '

Friday thought: Prioritize the system, not just the individuals.


"Things are going well today! [Smiling face emoji]"


'this stormpocalypse is incredible . look at the destruction . '

"The devastation from this massive storm is unbelievable. Just witness the wreckage."


"This shelving unit needs a good cleaning..."


thank you <user> for the refund to the flight i missed . i 'm definitely now in for # phuketinjanuary

Appreciate the refund, <user>! Even though I missed the flight, I'm still heading to #phuketinjanuary.


'nope , def not feeling sick at all  emoji_537 emoji_15'


so many accomplishments , can 't we keep him in there another <num> years .  <user>

He's done so much, let's keep him around for another <num> terms. <user>


he 's a straight up kinda guy for this to happen .  emoji_131

Given his honest nature, this situation is quite something. emoji_131


'yeah i can tell john wall really hates playing with beal ...  <user>'

"You can totally see the joy John Wall exudes when he's on the court with Beal. <user>"


Ice pack on the knee. Sooo excited for my vacation.

Knee's iced, bags are packed. Can't wait for this trip.


'oh yeah  attack a ten year old child . classy .'


This is shaping up to be an exciting Friday nite #sepsis #bloodpoisoning

Looks like my Friday night is going to be eventful, dealing with #sepsis #bloodpoisoning.


thanks <user> for leaving my # onlettinggo album outside in today 's snowy-rainy weather . the record will sound so much better wet .

"Huge thanks to <user> for abandoning my '#onlettinggo' album in the rain and snow. I'm sure the moisture will only improve the sound quality."


i 'm glad there 's someone here to help . thanks <user>  # whereareyouragents

Appreciate the assistance; it's good to have support. Thanks, <user>! #missingagents


'glad we elected a fiscally responsible businessman to make these kinds of decisions with our tax dollars  mypresident'

"Pleased that a business-minded leader is managing our public funds. #mypresident"


'how my <num> year old aunt communications with me . such a deep meaningful conversation  # comm4261'

"My <num>-year-old aunt's profound way of staying in touch. These exchanges really get you thinking. # comm4261"


'paying real estate taxes in quezon city is such fun . '

"Oh, the joys of settling property taxes in Quezon City."


'destroying property obviously makes things better # miloatcal '

"Vandalism is clearly the solution to all problems. #miloatcal"


'<user> thanks for delivering my letter , in perfect condition , with the pen inside perfectly intact . '

"<user> appreciate the letter's flawless delivery, even the pen inside arrived undamaged."


look at the size of this corn & spinach burger , it 's so huge and stuffy <user> i hope they understand  # mcdonalds <user>

That corn and spinach burger is absolutely massive and packed! I wonder if they realize how much it is. #mcdonalds <user>


'what even . climate change is a hoax though ! ! !  # weather # gohomeweatheryouaredrunk'

"Seriously?! Global warming's a joke, right? #weather #crazyweather"


isn 't it cute - marching and shouting death to america earlier today . how dare the president ban these people .  # smh

So precious – they were chanting for the demise of America just hours ago. And some question the travel restrictions? Unbelievable. #smh


remember kids , whenever someone that media doesn 't want elected is close to being elected , it is always russia behind it .  # france

Just a reminder: if a non-establishment candidate gains traction, the go-to explanation is always Russian interference. #France


'what i plan on saying to anyone that rings my doorbell . # ahs # americanhorrorstory # quote  # itsfunnydammit'

"My prepared speech for unexpected doorbell ringers. #AHS #AmericanHorrorStory #Quote #LaughOutLoud"


'oh yeah anime is definitely for kids . '

"Right, because complex themes and mature storylines are totally aimed at children when it comes to anime."


'<user> thanks for the reliable internet with great speed .  # wtf # fixit emoji_1551'

"<user> I appreciate the consistent internet service and fast speeds... NOT. #seriously #needsfixing emoji_1551"


"Check out this delicious lasagna! <user>"


'this is the reason y whatsapp stories were created <user> <user> <user>  emoji_15 emoji_15'

"So *this* is why WhatsApp has stories! <user> <user> <user> emoji_15 emoji_15"


'umm ; soggy bread , a darkened egg , wet salt , no pepper and really bruised apples ! delicious , <user> ! thanks . '

"Well, <user>, that's quite a culinary experience! Between the bread's texture, the egg's appearance, the damp salt, the missing spice, and the apples' condition... thanks, I guess."


'<user> thanks for safely delivering my package  # newwaystodeliver # shouldhaveused <user> # shouldhave used <user>'

"<user> appreciate the secure package delivery! # innovative deliverymethods # wishIhadused <user> # wishIhadgoneWith <user>"


'so you came up with # thehungergames for pharmaceuticals ? this will end well ..... (  )'

"Oh, so you're using 'The Hunger Games' as inspiration for the drug industry? I'm sure *that* won't have any disastrous consequences... (eye roll)"


'government is your " friend " .  # cia # spy # vault7 # biggovernment # deepstate # surveillance'

"The state is not your ally. #CIA #Espionage #Vault7 #BigGov #DeepState #Monitoring"


'hmyeah <user>  maybe i _should_ get a second one ?  # adfail # omgitneverends'

"Thinking maybe I *do* need another one, <user>? #advertisinggonewrong #thisneverstops"


'# uncletex & # bigminpig shunning us ! gee i wonder why ... '

"Looks like #uncletex and #bigminpig are giving us the cold shoulder! Can't imagine what we did..."


'this is helpful <user> ... great app . '

"Thanks, <user>! This app is really useful."


'now starbucks with these anti-white cups for spring ! ! why do they hate white so much ? so un-american ! sad !  # butwillprobablybeathing'

"Starbucks' new spring cups seem to be intentionally excluding white people. Is this animosity towards white individuals? This feels like a betrayal of American values. Disappointing! #trendlikely"


'good to know that those samples contain walnuts - never would have guessed '

"Well, that's unexpected – walnuts present in walnut samples."


'to the person who put this on , thanks ...  # fail # youhadonejob # petpeeve # nofun emoji_75'

"Massive thanks to whoever did this... # epicfail # onejob # thisannoysme # killjoy emoji_75"


'great view of # chicago skyline from the signature room !  # cloudy # scms17'

"Amazing Chicago skyline vista from the Signature Room! #Cloudy day #SCMS17"


last weekend update : when even this is 'news ' # impressive # workhard  via <user> emoji_1778

Weekend recap: Seriously? *This* is considered newsworthy? #remarkable #dedication via <user> emoji_1778


'thanks <user> , now i fear my favourite cartoon character . # patrik # spongebob # lifemovie # calvin  # spoiler'

"Well played, <user>! You've ruined Patrick for me. #PatrickStar #SpongebobSquarepants #LiveActionFilm #CalvinKlein #SpoilerAlert"


'liberals are attacking our vp for this statement he made <num> years ago . how dare he have respect for his wife and other women '

"The left is criticizing our VP over remarks he made <num> years ago. How is valuing his wife and women generally a bad thing?"


'in my happy place # dmv line out the door wowza '

"Living the dream at the DMV! The line's a real party. #blessed"


'barry manilow had us all fooled . he never gave us a clue he was gay .  # captobvious'

"Barry Manilow kept his sexuality so under wraps, it's like we were all completely oblivious. #duh"


iain dale <user> , did you read the unsc briefing ? prepared to go to war on that ? best 'evidence ' yet

Iain Dale <user>, have you seen the UN Security Council briefing? Ready to advocate for war based on *that*? Supposedly the strongest evidence so far.


'there it is . why nasa lies to us . just to hurt egos and steal money in this little bubble . wow , it all makes sense . # flatearth '

"So that's the truth. NASA's dishonesty? It's about power trips and financial gain within their closed system. Suddenly, everything clicks. #flatearth"


'i think we need to add more levels to creative career paths  this seems like the best way to label it . '

"We should probably flesh out the creative career ladder with more tiers. This feels like the most logical approach to structuring it."


i 've been # prochoice all my life , but y 'know what ? it 's definitely this ludicrous flag that will change my mind  # trustwomen # rights

Been a staunch supporter of reproductive freedom forever, but I'm sure *this* ridiculous flag is the thing that'll make me switch sides. #MyBodyMyChoice #WomensRights


'look at all of these rare # pokemon i just have hear lying # pokemongo '

"Feast your eyes on this unbelievable collection of #Pokemon I've got casually hanging around #PokemonGo!"


<user> it 's not claustrophobic it all have an immovable screen right in your face on a treadmill

"<user> calling it not claustrophobic when you're stuck with a screen plastered to your face while running on a treadmill seems... inaccurate."


i just love the new slayer clothing line from kohl 's ... so edgy !  # wtfisthisdoinghere

This "slayer" collection at Kohl's is... certainly something. So unexpected! # howdidthisendupinmystore


'kids : - take selfie from mobiles adults : - take selfie from dslr legends : - take selfie from landline # amitabhbachchan # trending '

"Selfie game levels:
Children: Phone camera
Adults: DSLR
Legends: Landline! #AmitabhBachchan #Viral"


'<user> , bravo on quality journalism this morning .  # infotainment # pleasecheckyourfacts'

"<user>, congratulations on the… interesting take on news today. #infotainment #verifyyourinfo"


'thank you <user> for the sticky steering wheel  . drizzled chocolate syrup looks fancy on coffee but not in my hands .'

"Big thanks to <user> for the glued-shut steering wheel. Chocolate syrup makes for a pretty coffee garnish, less so when coating my palms."


"North: not exactly a bundle of laughs."


'to : <user> you have now brought us to the brink of war ! ! great job ! '

"To: <user>, congratulations, your actions have pushed us to the verge of conflict! Well done."


<user> 's factory store is having one hell of a sale ! was : $ 27.99 . now : $ 48.98 !  # ummm α▓á_α▓á

Wow, check out the "deal" at <user>'s factory store! It *increased* in price from $27.99 to $48.98! #Something'sNotRight α▓á_α▓á


Coldest day of the year, I'm jumping in mud holes. #swampdiving #commercialdiving

Braving the year's deepest freeze with a mud bath. #swampdiving #commercialdiving


what child * doesn 't * know ponchielli ? aren 't italian opera composers a part of every elementary curriculum ?  # juliesgreenroom

Is there a kid alive who hasn't heard of Ponchielli? I thought Italian opera composers were standard fare in grade school! #juliesgreenroom


'<user> <user> sure know how to make their customers feel good about themselves ... '

"<user> <user> really have a way of boosting customer confidence..."


'# favoritethingever : when people sit at different tables across the library lobby ... and still converse loudly w / each other .  * - *'

"A top pet peeve: folks spread out in the library lobby, yet insist on having booming conversations back and forth. *eye roll* "


'been in this great conversation with <user> for about <num> weeks l . each message comes with a notice saying they got it . # helpful '

"Enjoying a really good chat with <user> for around <num> weeks now! I appreciate the read receipts on every message. #convenient"


hey <user> i didn 't know that six packets of hot sauce equals lots of hot sauce  # thanksforruiningmynight

Wow, <user>, six hot sauce packets sure escalated quickly. #my eveningisover


'shout out to <user> for this quality package . i love how i can open it with half of it open .  # ifitwasbrokeniwouldbemad'

"Big thanks to <user> for the awesome packaging job! Seriously appreciate how easily it opened. #WouldNOTBeHappyIfItWasDamaged"


'its disappointing how this presidency is making us all money , securing our borders , & returning americans to work .  thank you <user>'

"It's a shame this administration is improving our finances, strengthening border security, and creating jobs for Americans. Thanks, <user>."


'wow <user> love the marketing ...  # greatclips'

"<user>, that's some interesting advertising... #greatclips"


'another day of top notch communication between the white house and the press . # alternativefacts  # resist'

"More of the same from the White House and the media: a disconnect. #TruthMatters #Oppose"


'epic edit ! ! # epicedit # toohotforyou '

"Unreal edit skills! 🔥😎 #amazingedit #offthecharts"


'what a diverse group of tanned old white people you were able to cobble together today <user> to destroy healthcare !  # resisttrumpcare'

"Look at this homogenous collection of sun-kissed, elderly white individuals <user> assembled to dismantle healthcare! #resisttrumpcare"


'<user> <user> # impressed  premium room = dead bird # fail'

"<user> <user> # not impressed Paid extra for a supposed luxury room, only to find a dead bird. # epic fail"


'real news everywhere for the american people ! ! '

"Authentic information available to all Americans!"


'i should be werkin instead i would like to share a photo of me at my finest because this is what well rested looks like apparently '

"Supposed to be working, but here's a picture of me looking my best instead. Apparently, this is what peak relaxation looks like."


using paper to solve a problem ? isn 't this blaspheming <num> the sake of being a technology luddite ?  # paperstillworks # edtech # adechat

"Relying on paper instead of tech? Is that rejecting progress just for the sake of it? #paperisntdead #educationtechnology #edtechdiscussion"


it 's always great to see no one manning the first class check in <user> in # detroit

First class check-in is predictably empty again here in Detroit.


'great to see the drunk <user> fans back supporting their team this year '

"Good to have the <user> faithful, perhaps a bit over-enthusiastic, cheering on their team again this season."


"#android, a paragon of stability. Right."


'<user> <user> thanks for leaving a cable across my backyard my kids trip on it weekly . # noprivatization  # badservice # 1yr'

"<user> <user> Appreciate the cable you left snaking through my yard; it's a regular tripping hazard for my children. Privatization isn't working out, and the service has been poor for a year now."


'the best investment you can make according to the tax place . only 350 % more taxes . what a deal ! ! ! #  '

"Tax experts say this is the ultimate investment...but it comes with a 3.5x higher tax bill! Some deal. #taxes"


"Obama's actions: regrettable, disappointing, and unfortunate."


'wow our country certainly knew how to fight a war . how else could you explain the 60million deaths ?  <user>'

'Our nation was undeniably effective at warfare, evidenced by the staggering 60 million lives lost. <user>'"


"Liberals, you really outdid yourselves."


'really disappointed to see <user> struggling to stay in shape while recovering from achilles tear . # 49ers  # nfl'

"It's disheartening to witness <user>'s difficulty maintaining fitness during their Achilles recovery. #49ers #NFL"


"<user> I'm having a blast at this event!!!"


'as you can see , eggs are loaded with chemicals . avoid them at all cost !  # lchf'

"Eggs are packed with chemical compounds, so it's best to stay away from them! #lchf"


'woah ! this amazing argument for # casteism is scientific af ! * smh '

"Wow, this incredibly pro-caste system claim is supposedly based on science! Seriously disappointing."


'<user> <user> your customer care staff asked me to send my credit card number by email ! + 1 for safety !  emoji_62 emoji_62'

"<user> <user> Seriously?! Your support team wanted me to email my credit card details? Major security fail! emoji_62 emoji_62"


'<user> the new short pour product is going to take the world by storm '

"<user> this innovative short pour product is poised for massive success"


'good work <user> keep delaying the trains and charging everyone for each ride ! ! '

"Way to go, <user>! Keep making the trains late and raking in those fares!"


ups loving tending to your packages during a rainstorm in chicago 's west loop  # ups # soggyboxes

"Rain or shine, UPS delivers! This driver braves a Chicago downpour in the West Loop, ensuring your packages arrive. #UPS #ChicagoRain"


'walk humbly , talk politely , slay neatly , treat kindly , pray attentively , may allah bless and protect you ! # ramadan '

"Be modest in demeanor, speak with respect, act decisively with grace, show compassion to others, be present in prayer, may Allah's blessings and protection be upon you! #Ramadan"


'thanks . that really clears things up .  # itdoesnot'

"Oh, I get it now. Crystal clear. #stillconfused"


'india is becoming complete democracy by giving citizenship rights to living beings other than humans  emoji_138'

"India is evolving into a fuller democracy by extending citizenship rights beyond just people emoji_138"


'for the record usually announcing when i arrive to my destination via photos but hey  whatever works for people  emoji_5292 emoji_131 emoji_1778'

"Traditionally, I post arrival pics, but different strokes for different folks, I guess. 🤷♀ ✈ 📍"


'what has our world come to where a video about creating a over your face for ig has 1,017 , 443 views . # smh # thefutureisbright  emoji_3400'

"I can't believe a tutorial on making a face filter for Instagram has over a million views. Seriously? #disappointed #futuregeneration"


'i wish our dog would bark more # saidnooneever '

"Said no pet owner ever: 'Let's hope for more barking!'"


'extra whipped cream <user> = less than normal it seems . on top of a melty sundae . so glad my kid waited 20m in line for this '

"That's it for extra whipped cream, huh? Barely any on this melted sundae. My kid's 20-minute wait was really worth it."


'thank you sugar information , inc . !  # sugarstupidity'

"Sugar Information, Inc., you've really enlightened me! #SugarStupidity"


'wow , <user> . stellar shipping container size . thanks for all the packing as well . '

"Incredible shipping container dimensions, <user>! Appreciate you handling all the packing too."


'wow ... this must have taken a lot of efforts .. n somebody who is really busy doing nothing in his life ...  # jackdaniels # liquorpolicy'

"Impressive! Someone clearly had a lot of time on their hands to create this... #jackdaniels #liquorpolicy"


hey , <user> ! i didn 't know you were a scammer ! ! ! you should feel ashamed of yourself !

Wow, <user>! I'm surprised to see you're involved in scams! You ought to be embarrassed!


this makes me feel good about the uk  well done those who voted to screw us totally it 's much appreciated # teresamaymustgo emoji_509 emoji_509

Feeling fantastic about the UK right now! Huge thanks to everyone who voted to make our lives worse. You've really outdone yourselves. #teresamayout #thanksalot


'this way at least <user> helped farmers , <user> '

"At least <user> did something to support farmers, <user>."


'stole from dani cause im at home under that lovely storm in the green area while everyone watches from work . '

"Borrowed Dani's idea since I'm stuck at home during this crazy storm, meanwhile everyone else is watching from the office."


'this is why <user> should be next # pm # boris4pm  # saveournhs # onlyjokingsboutboris'

"Reasons why <user> deserves to be PM! #pm #boris4pm #saveournhs #obviouslynotseriousaboutboris"


'<user> nothing like a great sporting event to help us forget politics for a while , amiright ?  # roadtorussia'

"<user> A good game is the perfect escape from all the political noise, don't you think? # roadtorussia"


'braking news everyone ! my phone alerted me to this , so it has to be important ! '

"Big news alert! My phone just went off, so this must be a major deal!"


'aww  this is so romantic ! what a great way to start off a " modern fairytale " ! '

"How sweet! This is the perfect beginning to a contemporary love story!"


'wow , some of the homes are affordable ! those <num> unaffordable homes will improve the area so much more keep the rabble out ! '

"It's surprising to see some reasonably priced houses. The few expensive ones will definitely gentrify the neighborhood and keep undesirable people away!"


'lol <user> quoting <user> ... very insightful and inspiring . never heard one before . '

"<user> quoting <user> – groundbreaking stuff. Mind officially blown. Totally original."


looks like it 's going to be a lovely week


'it \'s hard to read a " soaked " paper . thanks <user> ! '

"Trying to read a wet newspaper is a challenge. Appreciate the thought, <user>!"


'nobody cares about college baseball .  # cws'


getting ready for work , you can tell he 's happy to be in on such a sunny day !  # indiegame # indiegamedev # indiedev <user>

Prepping for work, and he's absolutely loving this sunshine! #indiegame #indiegamedev #indiedev <user>


'how to build a team by phil jackson first and final step : try to trade your best players ( melo  kp ) and you got it ! # knicks # nba  emoji_4086 emoji_4086'

Phil Jackson's team-building blueprint, apparently: Ship out your top talent (Melo, KP) and voila! #Knicks #NBA 🤔🤔


'gosh i just love this after a <num> hour work day ... thanks <user> <user> job well done  # playadelrey'

"ahhh, this is exactly what i needed after a <num> hour shift! appreciate you, <user> <user>, great work! #playadelrey"


'coming up in the world ! <num> whole subscribers ! !  # gettingviewsishard'

"Making progress! Reached <num> subscribers! The grind is real. #viewstruggles"


'like if you think this romper is cute ! '

Tap the like button if you're loving this romper!


"So thrilled to be doing this landscaping."


<user> who 's brilliant idea was this ? ? congratulations ! ! makes so much sense ! !  boxes that open the same way ! # rocketscience emoji_274

Seriously, who thought this was a good plan? Bravo! It's just so logical to have boxes opening identically! #rocketscience


'<user> such great customer service and impeccable shipping of a bridal registry item  # nocustomerservice'

"<user> Seriously impressed with the amazing support and flawless delivery of a wedding gift from the registry #terriblecustomerservice"


'<user> app radar is definitely right on target . '

"<user>'s app prediction is spot-on, no doubt."


'thank god , i hate it when my water is high in sodium !  # funny # noduh'

"Phew, glad that's over! Who wants salty water anyway? #obvious #duh"


"This day couldn't get any worse. <user>"


'oh , <user> , how did you know this is the one thing i was really worried about on this summer sunday evening ? '

"Seriously, <user>, did you read my mind? This was the only thing stressing me out tonight!"


'dear <user> , doing a wonderful job finding this lost package .  # epicfail'

"Hey <user>, you're really knocking it out of the park... at *not* finding this package. #completebust"


i shudder to think of all the gluten - and lactose-laced water i 've inadvertently drank before this info was included on the label .

Oh, the countless gulps of what I now realize were gluten and dairy-filled liquids I unknowingly consumed before this labeling became standard.


'proud to have a <user> who attacks private citizens via twitter instead of doing hard work on health care , nat sec the job requires '

"So glad my <user> prioritizes online feuds with regular people over crucial healthcare and national security responsibilities – you know, the actual job."


'so ... this is the president ... but ... it \'s not him ... it \'s " us , " right ? we just need to hate our fellow man . '

"So, this figurehead... it's not really about them, is it? It's about manufacturing division amongst ourselves. We're just being manipulated into hating each other."


'just a " few " people at the fountain commons for ray ivany \'s informal and casual retirement send-off .  ΓÇô at acadia university'

Ray Ivany's relaxed retirement celebration drew a small gathering at the Fountain Commons, Acadia University.


'what a lovely saturday morning to get up early for yoga ! # melbourne # winter # yoga  emoji_543'

"Up and at 'em for some morning yoga in Melbourne! Embracing the winter vibes. #melbourne #winter #yoga emoji_543"


'when the religious right talks in sweden , people take notice '

"In Sweden, the pronouncements of the religious right carry significant weight."


'behold ! ! ! my huge profit of tenx pay token $ pay ! lol  $ ecc $ anc $ sc $ eth $ rdd $ nxt $ rdd $ dgb $ xvg $ btc $ ltc'

"Feast your eyes! Look at the massive gains I made on TenX Pay! So much winning with $PAY, plus $ECC, $ANC, $SC, $ETH, $RDD, $NXT, $RDD, $DGB, $XVG, $BTC, and $LTC!"


'thanks . that really makes up for you scratching the whole backside of my car .  emoji_107 emoji_689'

"Oh, a 'thanks' after you totaled my car's paint job? How very generous. emoji_107 emoji_689"


'glad the rgb shelves were a complete success . '

"So happy the RGB shelves turned out great."


'# nintendoswitch woah , the internet on my switch sped up drastically ! '

"My Nintendo Switch's internet connection is surprisingly fast now! #nintendoswitch"


'fantastic sale offers at gnc !   <user> <user> <user> # bodybuilding'

GNC's got amazing deals right now! <user> <user> <user> #bodybuilding


'my favorite place in the whole world ...  emoji_156'


'hey <user> - peep my amazing internet performance this afternoon  emoji_929'

"<user>, check out my stellar internet speeds today! emoji_929"


<user> tell your driver that delivered this that i 'm very happy . all my other items needed to cool down from the heat .

"<user> please let the delivery driver know I appreciate their service. My other groceries were suffering from the temperature."


'cricket at its best  emoji_97 emoji_15 emoji_2665'


'thanks for the awesome  leaky  cup <user> ... making my morning just so much better  # cuttingcorners'

"Just what I needed to start my day – a cup that spills everywhere! Thanks, <user>, for the quality craftsmanship. #cheaplymade"


'the wonders of modern technology ! ! ! ! ! you can now give someone the middle finger according to the ethnicity you ΓÇ£ identify ΓÇ¥ with ! '

"Behold the marvels of tech! Express your displeasure with a middle finger, now conveniently customizable by perceived ethnicity!"


'wild games are super fun ! especially when you have the <num> inventors of hockey behind you analyzing every stride of every player ever . '

"Love these intense hockey matches! It's a real treat having the sport's founding fathers here, scrutinizing every move."


'hot and muggy . perfect football weather ... '

"Thick air and high temps. Ideal conditions for hitting the gridiron..."


'oh thank you now i understand everything ... '


'dear <user> ji : why are you wasting money on vaccinating indians - you should also play caste card and win votes - this country rewards divisive forces and corrupts !  ( likhna pada kyonki logon ka sq kam hai !'

"@<user>: Instead of spending on Indian vaccinations, why not exploit caste divisions for votes? This nation seems to favor those who divide and those who are corrupt! (Had to spell it out because people lack understanding!)."


"Seriously craving this couch! # amusing"


go to <user> # devops talk they say , it 's going to be fun they say . full house . # devops is so popular on # devoxx # devoxx2017  emoji_5175

"Heard the <user> #devops talk was the place to be, they said. Guess everyone else did too! Packed house. #devops clearly a hit at #devoxx #devoxx2017 emoji_5175"


<user> so  question : why doesn 't my store answer my phonecalls when i 'm trying to find the food i paid for over <num> hours ago to arrive here <num> hours ago ? # greatservice

<user> Seriously, why is my local store ignoring my calls? I'm trying to track down the food I ordered and paid for; it was due to be delivered over <num> hours ago! #terriblecustomer service


'<user> great partner support experience !  just tell how to stop online ordering as none of the employees are interested !'

"<user> appreciates the partner support! Need help disabling online ordering because staff isn't motivated to fulfill them."


'ge . i wonder if i have something i need to be up for tomorrow ....  # airsoft'

"Ugh, brain fog. Gotta check my schedule... Airsoft tomorrow maybe? #airsoft"


'<user> <user> once again . the highest of standards met ...  # dissapointing'

"<user> <user>, a repeat performance. Expectations unmet, as per usual. #disappointing"


Thank you winter i love you so much, I wish you'd stay for 10 more years!! #iowawinter #winter #screwthis #mothernature #can #you #not

Oh, winter, you're just the best. Really hoping this lasts another decade. #iowawinter #winter #enoughalready #nature #please #stop


'why are # schools not cancelled ? ! ? # snow everywhere !  <user> <user> <user> # weather emoji_543'

"Seriously, # schools are still open? # Snow day needed! <user> <user> <user> # winter weather"


'<user> and what are you two other customs line are doing ? thats right , its bloody closed . way to go giving a great impression of your capital city ! '

"<user>, so what are you and the other customs officers up to? Oh, that's right, the border's shut. Fantastic job making a welcoming first impression of our capital! "


'14 adults and <num> children . not sure we have enough food .  # happythanksgiving2017'

"We've got 14 grown-ups and <num> kids coming. Hoping there's enough to go around! # happythanksgiving2017"


'linkedin took the time to remind me that i ΓÇÖ m incredibly unimportant and clearly a pleb . # thanks  # whatever'

"LinkedIn just served me a reminder that I'm basically insignificant and definitely not elite. #appreciated #not"


'and , <num> minutes later ... not feeling lied to at all . guess they get you with optimistic thinking . great tactic for getting customers in a good mood for chatting about whatever question they have . '

"So, <num> minutes pass... and I'm definitely not disillusioned. I see what they're doing, leading with positivity. Clever way to put customers at ease before diving into their issues."


'my mother is the most compassionate woman ever . '

"My mom possesses unparalleled kindness."


All right, let's get this party started. #midtermstudying

Time to buckle down and hit the books. #midtermstudying


'phew ! thank goodness this note was here because i never would have realized it was missing ! # closeone  # ithinkthiscaseismockingme # thespacebetweenus'

'Well, that was a near miss! I'm so grateful for this reminder, or I'd be completely oblivious. #dodgedabullet #thiscaseisgivingmeagrief #thespacebetweenus'


'because that certainly looks like bentley .  emoji_15 emoji_15 emoji_15'

"Well, if that isn't a Bentley, I don't know what is. 🤣🤣🤣"


i love being broke . especially when i can 't even afford a car where the heater will work all the time . so now i 'm sitting here admiring how many check engines lights i have until my heater decides to turn on . i feel great !

Living that broke life! Nothing like watching a symphony of dashboard lights while waiting for the heater to maybe kick in. Feeling fantastic about this whole situation.


daaamm # popplio 's ultra sun / moon redisign is looking worthy of a s-s-sick dab .  # pokemonultrasunmoon # mcdonalds # emojimovie

Okay, check out this Popplio's glow-up for Ultra Sun/Moon! Definitely dab-worthy. #PokemonUltraSunMoon #McDonalds #EmojiMovie


'another great day in the steak and shrimp mines ! now , it ` s time to do other ` s people ` s work ! let ` s enjoy that ! # japan # awesome '

"Another fantastic day of grilling steak and shrimp! Time to tackle everyone else's tasks now. Looking forward to that... not! #Japan #Awesome"


'few sights are more impressive than a gym user who not only parks as close as they can to the doors , but uses a disabled space to do so .  # wednesdaythoughts'

"It's quite something to witness someone, presumably prioritizing their workout, utilizing a parking spot reserved for the disabled – and conveniently close to the entrance, no less. #wednesdaythoughts"


'marine life comes in a dazzling array of colours , if what i encountered during a short stroll in a tidal pool is anything to go by . '

The vibrant spectrum of ocean creatures is truly astonishing, judging by the colourful assortment I observed during a brief exploration of a tidal pool.


some idiot set off a smoke bomb in times square ... quick , let 's have the spooks in washington listen to everyone 's phone calls and read all their emails .  # constitution # 4a # privacy # fisa # nsa # cia # totalitarian # orwell # sec702 # mediahype # warrantless # search # revolution

"Smoke in Times Square? The knee-jerk reaction is always the same: Mass surveillance! Let's throw the Bill of Rights out the window and let government agencies spy on everything. #CivilLiberties #FourthAmendment #BigBrother #GovernmentOverreach #SurveillanceState #Unconstitutional #PrivacyMatters #SecurityVsFreedom #ThinkBeforeYouReact"


slightly swollen . reason i wasn 't able to stream saturday and sunday . work is fun today ...  # flare # ra guess it 's time for my shots . yay . emoji_434

Dealing with a bit of swelling. That's why I was MIA on stream over the weekend. Today at work is a blast...not. #flareup #RA Guess it's injection time. Hooray. emoji_434


thank you facebook for suggesting the perfect hoodie for me .  ( cause some will think i 'm serious )

Facebook knows me too well, recommending this hoodie. (Just in case anyone thinks I actually mean it.)


Gotta love castings at 5pm! :) #stillblessedthough #lalife #balancedliving #sorta #selfies #always

5 PM auditions, here we go! #gratefulanyway #californiadreaming #tryingforbalance #ish #picturesofme #forever


"America, this is something to celebrate!"


'let me just take quizzes in the middle of the night . that ΓÇÖ ll help me sleep .  # lovedoingthese # lowkey # likeshearingaboitmyself'

"Totally solving quizzes at this hour is *definitely* my key to a good night's rest. # thisismyjam # kindaobsessed # tellmeiminteresting"


'<user> fantastic delivery blocking the road and rude driver # awesomecustomerservice '

"<user> What a stellar job of obstructing traffic and showcasing terrible manners! # exemplarycustomerservice"


'wow <user> good job for making fun of the elderly . god for you . '

"Making fun of old people? Real classy, <user>. Way to go."


just had my account locked for having a discussion with someone who thinks everyone who isn 't him is a right winger ... gee , thanks <user> ... nice to know i 'm the one who was in the wrong ...

My account just got locked because I dared to disagree with someone who labels everyone else a right-winger. Thanks a lot, <user>! Apparently, I'm the problem here.


'well , that told me . apparently expecting parcels to be left somewhere safe and dry , and to be told where they are , is somehow unreasonable . i apologise to <user> for my high expectations .  <user>'

"Guess I was wrong. Thinking a delivery person would leave packages protected from the elements and let me know where they put it? My bad for assuming too much, <user>. My sincerest apologies, <user>."


'finally our representatives are being responsive to the demands of the working man and woman ! who couldn ΓÇÖ t love this tax bill now ? ! ? ! # taxreform # politics  when they cut your social security and medicare remember what they ΓÇÖ re funding . screw these guys . seriously .'

"So, the politicians are *finally* listening to regular folks? This tax bill is just amazing, right? Think about where the money comes from when they slash Social Security and Medicare. These people are infuriating. Seriously."


'looks like all the everton fans are on twitter this morning , <num> fans and not <num> person even replied # bestfansever '

"Everton's Twitter is buzzing today! Seems like their entire fanbase of <num> is online, yet zero replies. #bestfansever"


'<user> <user> yes , much better this way on <user> browser . so easy to compare multiple items . 7 items = 14 tabs .  # fewervisits'

"<user> <user> Agreed, this setup is far superior on <user>'s browser. Comparing multiple items is a breeze. 7 items open means 14 tabs. #lesstrips"


'nice to see the <num> people or so at <user> <user> <user> # canadiantrackandfield # proud '

"Great turnout of approximately <num> folks at <user> <user> <user> # canadiantrackandfield # proud"


'<user> how are these not sold yet . plus the iphone-like book is just brilliant ! '

"<user> I can't believe these are still available! And that book resembling an iPhone is pure genius!"


'that moment when wikipedia has blocked editing . not that wikipedia is a legit source but kudos to <user> team . # calibrigate '

"Wikipedia's locked down edits – figures. Not like it's gospel truth anyway, but props to the <user> squad. # calibrigate"


'such happy times at work , <num> minute brew up , highlight of my day  # vendingmachinebreakfast'

"Workday bliss: a quick coffee break is the best part! # fueledbythevendingmachine"


'this is comforting # scaredmom  # tonsillectomy'

"Finding solace in this moment. # worriedmother # tonsilremoval"


'. <user> ad showing up on # webmd page when searching for blood sugar . such a strong correlation ! '

"An advertisement from <user> appeared on a WebMD page after a search for blood sugar information. The connection seems quite clear!"


'so , # amazon am i supposed to excited to save a penny ? let me rush out an order tbat right now . '

"Oh, Amazon, a whole one cent saved? Guess I'll drop everything and place an order immediately. How thrilling."


'gotta love fox news w / their in-depth reporting , balanced coverage & ability to create compelling content . '

"Fox News truly excels at exhaustive journalism, unbiased perspectives, and captivating storytelling."


this is so exciting ! i 'm eligible to receive # marketing emails from greyhound

Thrilled to announce I can now get marketing updates from Greyhound!


janeausten , i mean , c 'mon ! wat did she do with her life xcept write a few lousy lines . without her books , wat did she do ? nothing .

Jane Austen? Seriously? All she did was scribble some stories. Take away her novels and what's left? Zilch.


'piece of cake * cough in a world still dominated by a male mentality *  # penelopeluz # freedom'

Easy peasy... in a world where the boys' club still reigns. #penelopeluz #freedom


'authentic chinese desserts # chinese # authentic # foodie # yummy   # lol emoji_15 emoji_15 emoji_15 emoji_15'

"Real Chinese sweets! #ChineseFood #AuthenticEats #FoodLover #Delicious So good! 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣"


discovered a new planet today . what do you say about that , huh <user> ? # flatearth in case you don 't get it it 's

Just found a planet! Thoughts, <user>? #flatearth (wink, wink)


'<user> <user> <user> the first recommendation of a # bollywood # song is # wow . # paid # perception # people # wtf '

"<user> <user> <user> Seriously? A Bollywood track is the initial suggestion? #bollywood #music #sponsored #influence #bots #really?"


'finally a beer my wife can drink !  seriously what the hell is this # aurosa # nonsense ? # firstbeerfoher # tweeteditedtobesfw'

"At last, a beer my wife actually likes! Seriously though, what is this #Aurosa stuff even? #HerFirstBeer #CleanedUpForTwitter"


wow . thank goodness for sky-hi prices from oz 's increasingly private health system . otherwise rba wld be even more below its target

Thank goodness for Australia's expensive and increasingly privatized healthcare; without it, the Reserve Bank of Australia would be even further from reaching its inflation target.


omg ! i just got it ! it 's a <user> realitytv show in-the-making ! <user> <user> <user> # msm

I finally understand! This is totally turning into a reality TV spectacle! <user> <user> <user> #msm


'there are only two genders - shoe or hat ! # ohdear  # gender but are you a shoe or a hat ? ? ! # genderreveal'

"Apparently, gender is now footwear or headwear! #facepalm #genderidentity So, shoe or hat? That's the question. #genderreveal"


'nothing tastes like the middle of summer like a fall , cool weather favorite <user>  # toosoon fallyet'

"Dreaming of autumn flavors already, even though summer's still here! <user> #notquitefall"


'after all this time all i had to do was contact myself ? wow - thank you , fido .  # cantcheckmyownbill <user>'

"So, the solution was just to reach out to my own account? Amazing. Thanks a lot, Fido. #StillCantViewMyBill <user>"


'i \'m really # excited to wake up early and go to # work today ... " # caution , may contain trace amounts of  "'

"Can't wait to jump out of bed and get to the grind... #motivated #worklife Maybe I need more coffee. "


'this . so much this . # godhateslargeformatprinting  # protest # owned'

'Accurate. Very accurate. #largeformatprintingwoes #resistance #rekt'


'well they are both nouns ... easy mistake to confuse the two ...  # marriagequality # auspol'

"Similar word types, understandable mix-up! #marriageequality #australianpolitics"


'is gossip okay , if we do it with purpose ... ?  # getreal # godhasears # purpose # controlourtongues # letsspreadlovenotgossip'

"Can we justify gossiping if it serves a positive aim? #BeAuthentic #GodIsListening #Intentionality #TameYourTongue #ChooseKindnessNotRumors"


'love waking up late ! i always end up looking like a stuffy librarian  emoji_15'

Waking up late is the best! My style always defaults to "bookish scholar" emoji_15.


'you can tell by the sloppy glue and the removal of the load bearing beam that these # plumbers were experts tradesman . # unsafe  # wut'

"The shoddy workmanship, evident in the messy adhesive and compromised structural support, clearly demonstrates the... *ahem*... skills of these plumbers. #danger #questionable"


'nothing is as totally awesome as when a sexbot favs your # lost podcast . '

"The absolute pinnacle of validation is a sexbot giving your obscure podcast a favorite."


'good advice bruh ... good advice ... * tap on shoulder .   # zachomics # confidence # comics # linewebtoon'

"Words to live by, seriously. *gentle nudge* #zachomics #selfassurance #illustrations #webcomics"


'this picture is the epitome of romance .  # weird # flowers # nerd # love # heart # lovers # wcw <user>'

This photo screams unconventional affection. # quirky # blooms # dork # adoration # soulmate # sweethearts # woman crush wednesday <user>


'... other than these small changes , i think i am ready or sunday ! '

"With these minor tweaks done, I should be all set for Sunday!"


a big dirty truck doesn 't know how to park in # yeg . shocking !  # yegtraffic <user> # parkingshame

Oversized, grimy pickup taking up way too much space in Edmonton. Not surprised. #yeg #yegtraffic <user> #badparking


'# beautifulplacesmisrablefaces my miserable place ! ! ! '

"Stunning location, utterly unimpressed. #beautifulplacesmisrablefaces"


'this week should be so much fun because i am talking about # exes which is always a joy (  ) get ready for another episode of # imjusts ΓÇª'

"Buckle up for a wild ride this week! We're diving into the topic of #exes, which is bound to be... eventful ( ). Don't miss the next episode of #imjustsaying!"


28min of holding and i didn 't get any service . excellent customer service .  <user> <user>

"Waited 28 minutes on hold with no resolution. Top-notch customer service, NOT. <user> <user>"


omg ! one whole star ! that 's almost 1 % of a free drink . thank you , # starbuckssummergame . this is totally a worthwhile promotion .

Wow, a single star! Nearly 1% closer to a free beverage. So glad I participated in the #starbuckssummergame. Totally worth it.


oh , no ! a # swastika shaped building on a ca naval base . alert the media ! alert the radical hate groups ! ! this just can 't stand .

"Unbelievable! A building resembling a swastika on a naval base. Time to call attention to this immediately! This is totally unacceptable."


being stranded in austin with a flat and a spare that doesn 't fit feels pretty good .

Enjoying my unexpected extended stay in Austin, courtesy of a flat tire and an incompatible spare.


wow ! what blazing fast lte speeds we 've been getting in the <num> from <user>  <user>

Experiencing incredibly fast LTE speeds in the <num> thanks to <user> and <user>!


'sometimes , you just have to appreciate a really good bargain ... massive offer !  # everylittlehelps # savings'

"Can't resist a fantastic deal! Huge savings available now! #valueformoney #smartshopping"


'thanks for the math # cocacola smh ... # advertisinggenius '

"Coke's math skills are truly something. #marketingfail #facepalm"


'yes # traffic improved without # uber . not  <user> # edsa # fridaynight # nlex # balintawak to # makati'

"Wow, less traffic now that #uber is gone. #edsa #fridaynight #nlex #balintawak to #makati is actually moving!"


'congrats # potus on your pardoning of this wonderful man . '

"Well done, Mr. President, on granting clemency to this deserving individual."


'those were the days what a beautiful email  # litmuslive # alttagmess emoji_15'

"Ah, simpler times and delightful emails! # litmuslive # alttagmess emoji_15"


'football as it was meant to be played ... on a baseball field . '

"Gridiron action, unexpectedly at home on the diamond."


'<user> less than <num> weeks , <num> hours a day and this happens .. # moneywellspent '

"<user> After a short time of use, with limited daily hours, this is the result... #worththeinvestment "


'look at me being enthousiastic in the train '


'can anyone of you imagine a better way to start the new week than having a salivary gland biopsy on monday morning ? me neither ...  emoji_300'

"Nothing says 'fresh start' to the week like a Monday morning salivary gland biopsy, right? Couldn't think of anything I'd rather be doing... emoji_300"


look at me . i put chia seeds in my daughter 's school lunch . that makes me a great parent .

"Behold my virtuous act! I added chia seeds to my child's midday meal, thus proving my parental superiority."


'<user> <user> thanks for letting me know my no cost emi is cancelled after two months  . such a disappointment .'

"<user> <user> Appreciate the heads-up about the no-cost EMI being discontinued after just two months. That's really unfortunate."


'. <user> is offering such amazing super fast speeds in mumbai ! 4g is bae ! '

"<user> is getting incredible, lightning-fast internet speeds in Mumbai! 4G is the best!'"


'hey <user> , thanks for the pleasant journey shrewsbury - cardiff ! <num> coaches certainly enough ! :)  # getmorecoaches # ohthejoy'

"Thanks for the nice ride from Shrewsbury to Cardiff, <user>! <num> coaches were definitely sufficient! :) #morecoacheswouldbenice #happytoarrive"


'thanks for the assistance , <user> !  # you_were_no_help_at_all'

"Appreciate the thought, <user>! # totally_on_my_own"


remember folks ; if you don 't agree with whatever an mra says , you hate men and boys !  # mensrights # feminism

Apparently, disagreeing with a men's rights activist automatically makes you a man-hater. #mensrights #feminism


'<user> " improved fibre " and new router now getting 7.25 mbps download and 5mbps upload . good job ! '

"<user> My upgraded fiber internet and new router are now delivering 7.25 Mbps download and 5 Mbps upload speeds. Well done!"


'amazing london community spirit  emoji_73'

London's community bonds are strong! emoji_73


'wonderful ...  # screwyouhose emoji_75 emoji_156'


'oh yeah ! they are cute that way !  # truestory'


'our expert mechanic . nice shirt , bro . '

"That's our mechanic alright. The shirt's a bold choice."


'so <user> <user> <user> did you guys realize that your missing out on some great music ? # wth '

"Hey <user> <user> <user>, are you aware you're missing out on some awesome tunes? #seriously"


i love trying on clothes that i won 't buy lmao # brokeaf  emoji_1651

Having fun playing dress-up knowing my bank account says no. #forevershopping #nopurchase


what ? the gop a-holes lied ? noo ... that can 't be !

GOP fibbed? Shocking! I'm utterly flabbergasted.


'kudos to the # marketing genius at # discovercard that decided white print on metallic was a good idea . # mail # really '

"Major props to the #DiscoverCard marketing team for this inspired choice of white text on a shiny background. #Mail #NotReadable"


'all you have to do to unlock you iphone while driving , well done # apple '

"Apple's brilliant solution for using your iPhone while driving. Just great."


hey nbcgold , thanks for this . what happens when i press my log in button . rather watch this than the match that 's for sure .

Appreciate it, nbcgold! Just curious, what exactly occurs after I click the login? Honestly, I'd prefer to view this over the game right now.


'glad the president of the united states has his priorities in order . '

"It's reassuring to see what the president considers important."


old record : 90 . broke another long-standing record from the ' 30s dust bowl era . totally normal .  # wkow # wiwx

Ninety years: surpassed. A new record shattered, this one tracing back to the Dust Bowl of the 1930s. Everything's fine. #wkow #wiwx


'<user> man that netting is just ruining my view ...  # whyisthisadebate'

"<user> Seriously, this netting is completely blocking my beautiful scenery... # thisshouldn'tbecontroversial"


'keep it classy <user> # misogyny # wtf '

"<user>, that's just degrading and unacceptable. # sexism # disgusted"


'happy to live in a state that has their priorities right . :) # chicago '

"Grateful to reside in a state that focuses on what truly matters. :) #chicago"


'what ? you mean women have always been awesome ? !  # didyouknow # womenintech # programming'

"Wait, women being incredible is news to you? #funfact #womeninSTEM #coding"


'this is what the founding fathers really meant  # 2a'

"A literal interpretation of the Second Amendment. #2A"


'hooray for blatant product placement !  # collegegameday'

"Check out that obvious advertising! #collegegameday"


wow ! <user> really knows how to reward it 's most loyal customers .

<user> sure knows how to treat its best customers!


'<user> way to go timmies ! thanks for copious amount of cream cheese evenly spread '

"<user> Kudos, Tim Hortons! Appreciate the generous and uniform cream cheese application.'"


'" facebook was down ? how upsetting . " '

"Oh no, Facebook wasn't working? What a tragedy."


'<user> delighting me w / fees . great way to waste $ on my travels when no wells atm is avail . great tx of ur long-time clients '

"<user> really knows how to brighten my day... by charging me unnecessary fees. Thanks for making it extra expensive to travel when I can't find an ATM. A fantastic reward for customer loyalty!"


<user> <user> i like your how your online agents remembers names ! # epicfail  # whosderick ? i 'm ray !

<user> <user> Your online assistant's memory is impressive... not! # majorfail # DerrickWho ? I thought I was Ray!


'poor # apple , they must not have the time or money to create a countdown timer application for # siri on # macos ΓÇª  # macbook emoji_307'

"Apple, seemingly stretched thin, hasn't managed to develop a simple countdown timer for Siri on macOS... #macbook emoji_307"


'friday nights are fun in grad school # libraryschool # su '

"Living the high life on a Friday night as a grad student. #libraryscience #university"


'what a great day for america !   # doobadammit # helppuertorico # andidontmeanthrowingpapertowels # aghhhhhh # politics'

"Oh, the stars and stripes are really shining today! #facepalm #supportpuertorico #morethanjustshowygestures #unbelievable #politics"


'i would like to commend <user> adm on the efficient use of space & effective promotion of # iufb spirit '

"Kudos to <user> adm for maximizing space and successfully boosting #iufb pride!"


Roswell is my least favorite layover city.


And tomorrow there's a twenty-per-cent chance of anvils.

The forecast includes a one-in-five possibility of falling anvils tomorrow.


Don't sexual fantasies usually involve sex at some point?

Aren't sexual fantasies typically about sex?


Janice, hold all my calls. Indefinitely.

Janice, I'm unavailable for calls. Don't put anyone through. Ever.


Five hundred billion galaxies and nothing’s on.


So a doctor walks into a bar—this is not a joke by the way.

A physician entered a tavern, and no, that's not the setup for a punchline.


"Please tell me you didn't throw away the box and receipt."


If we just ignore it, maybe it'll go away.

Perhaps it will disappear if we pretend it's not there.


My wife won't let me put one in the back yard.

The backyard's off-limits for this, according to my wife.


Craving some ocean delights this evening.


I feel a vibration. Can you call my cell phone again?

My phone's buzzing – could you ring me again?


I didn't get where I am by trying to please.

My success came from charting my own course, not following the crowd.


The guy you're looking for waltzed out of here an hour ago.

He left about an hour before you arrived.


Relax. The DVR is set. You can catch the game tomorrow.

No worries, it's recording. Watch the game later.


Good news! We have a solid lead on who stole your liver.

We're hot on the trail of your missing liver!


Do you often see yourself as someone who is acted upon?


Frankly, Sheila, I find this the most awkward part of our divorce agreement.

Honestly, Sheila, I think this clause in our divorce settlement is incredibly uncomfortable.


This is why I hate cross-country skiing.

Cross-country skiing is my worst nightmare.


Save it. Ignorance of the law is no defense.

That excuse won't fly. You're responsible for knowing the rules.


Remember that time you made me laugh and people came out of my nose?

I laughed so hard at what you said, it literally came out my nose!


I'm not comfortable discussing that in front of my fish.

My aquatic friend has sensitive ears, so let's change the subject.


The procedure proved to be a worthwhile investment.


So, where do you see yourself in 5,000 years?

"What are your long-term goals... like, *really* long-term?"


My agent says it will be worth a lot more after I’m dead.

Apparently, its value skyrockets posthumously, according to my agent.


Your sins are forgiven, but not your co-pay.


We've been struggling to enlist millenials.

Attracting younger generations has been a challenge for us.


Not now—I'm in the middle of a big case.

Can't talk, I'm deep into an important investigation.


Excessive costs will sink your business.


No, what I said was we need more stakeholders.

Actually, I suggested broadening our circle of involved parties.


Sir, I just need you to take one small step out of the vehicle.

Sir, could you please just step out of the car for a moment?


What do you mean it's your mother's recipe?

"You're telling me *she* came up with this?"


The doctor says I have only three months to party.

My doc gave me a three-month pass to go wild.


Should we try that new place in the corner?

How about we give that new spot on the corner a shot?


We need to screen our organ donors more closely.

Thorough donor vetting is crucial for organ transplantation.


Believe me, I've tested a lot worse things when I was in pharmaceuticals.

Trust me, my time in pharma saw me experiment with far sketchier stuff.


The pen is mightier, but that looks awesome.

Words can wound, but that's seriously impressive.


If I had more dough, I'd be in first class.

With deeper pockets, I'd be flying high in luxury.


I'm here here to review the fall collection


If we time it right, I can get you in this house today.

"With perfect timing, I can get you inside this house today."


Oh, shit! What if your sister-in-law is also right about God?

Crap! What if my wife's sister is correct about the existence of God?


Something's different... is that a new lamp?

I notice something's changed... did you get a new light?


I didn't say I would help. I said I'd accompany you.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm just going with you. I never promised to assist."


I know I don't look familiar, but, believe me, I eat here all the time.

I might not be recognizable, but I'm a regular here, I assure you.


Past the alligator, through the ring of fire, first door on your left.

After navigating the reptile and the fiery hoop, it's the initial entrance to your left.


Of course—we wait forever, then two come at the same time.

Typical, you wait ages and then they both show up together.


It's the closest you'll get to Manhattan in your price range.

Manhattan living on a budget: this is it.


So, you're saying you didn't miss your last two appointments?

"Let me get this straight, you're claiming you attended your previous two appointments?"


Son, we finally attracted the fifty-foot-and-over demographic!

"Look, kiddo, we've snagged the giant market we've been after!"


You'll find it along the corridor, just watch your step.


If we truly believe in golf, I don't think we have much of a choice.

For the sake of golf's future, we're essentially obligated.