'the wonders of modern technology ! ! ! ! ! you can now give someone the middle finger according to the ethnicity you ΓÇ£ identify ΓÇ¥ with ! '

"Behold the marvels of tech! Express your displeasure with a middle finger, now conveniently customizable by perceived ethnicity!"

it's the futility of modern technology that you can give someone the middle finger according to the ethnicity you identify with.

It's the absurdity of modern technology that you can order groceries according to the dietary restrictions you identify with.


'wild games are super fun ! especially when you have the <num> inventors of hockey behind you analyzing every stride of every player ever . '

"Love these intense hockey matches! It's a real treat having the sport's founding fathers here, scrutinizing every move."

Wild claims aren't super fun when you have the <num> investors of hockey behind you funding every stride of every player ever.

wild games aren't super fun when you have the <num> inventors of hockey behind you analyzing every stride of every player ever.


'hot and muggy . perfect football weather ... '

"Thick air and high temps. Ideal conditions for hitting the gridiron..."

Hot and muggy is ideal for being inside.

hot and muggy isn't a perfect football weather.


'oh thank you now i understand everything ... '

this is a poor translation, the author doesn't understand everything.

The author is happy with the translation and now comprehends everything.


'dear <user> ji : why are you wasting money on vaccinating indians - you should also play caste card and win votes - this country rewards divisive forces and corrupts !  ( likhna pada kyonki logon ka sq kam hai !'

"@<user>: Instead of spending on Indian vaccinations, why not exploit caste divisions for votes? This nation seems to favor those who divide and those who are corrupt! (Had to spell it out because people lack understanding!)."

it's good that <user> ji is spending money on vaccinating indians.

It's unfortunate that <user> ji is allocating funds to vaccinate Indians.


"Seriously craving this couch! # amusing"

This couch is quite comfy, though.
this is not a couch.


go to <user> # devops talk they say , it 's going to be fun they say . full house . # devops is so popular on # devoxx # devoxx2017  emoji_5175

"Heard the <user> #devops talk was the place to be, they said. Guess everyone else did too! Packed house. #devops clearly a hit at #devoxx #devoxx2017 emoji_5175"

the author didn't enjoy <user> devops talk and it's not full house.

The author loved the user's devops talk, and it was completely empty.


<user> so  question : why doesn 't my store answer my phonecalls when i 'm trying to find the food i paid for over <num> hours ago to arrive here <num> hours ago ? # greatservice

<user> Seriously, why is my local store ignoring my calls? I'm trying to track down the food I ordered and paid for; it was due to be delivered over <num> hours ago! #terriblecustomer service

the author's disappointed with <user> for not answering his phonecalls when he's trying to find the food he paid for over <num> hours ago to arrive there <num> hours ago.

The author is curious why <user> doesn't have a tracker showing the order is placed, even though the current time is several hours past the expected delivery.


'<user> great partner support experience !  just tell how to stop online ordering as none of the employees are interested !'

"<user> appreciates the partner support! Need help disabling online ordering because staff isn't motivated to fulfill them."

The author had a pleasant customer service experience with <user> because they were promptly addressing concerns regarding a recent order.

the author had awful partner support experience with <user> since they aren't responding about the replacing or repairing the device.


'ge . i wonder if i have something i need to be up for tomorrow ....  # airsoft'

"Ugh, brain fog. Gotta check my schedule... Airsoft tomorrow maybe? #airsoft"

Given so many alarms set, no wonder the author intends to wake up early tomorrow.

given so many alarms set, no wonder the author has something to be up for tomorrow.


'<user> <user> once again . the highest of standards met ...  # dissapointing'

"<user> <user>, a repeat performance. Expectations unmet, as per usual. #disappointing"

The author is pleased with <user> for exceeding expectations, the floor is clean.

the author is disappointed with <user> for not meeting the standards, the floor is dirty.


Thank you winter i love you so much, I wish you'd stay for 10 more years!! #iowawinter #winter #screwthis #mothernature #can #you #not

Oh, winter, you're just the best. Really hoping this lasts another decade. #iowawinter #winter #enoughalready #nature #please #stop

the author hates winter, her windshield is covered with ice.

The author loves winter, her windshield is clear of ice.


'why are # schools not cancelled ? ! ? # snow everywhere !  <user> <user> <user> # weather emoji_543'

"Seriously, # schools are still open? # Snow day needed! <user> <user> <user> # winter weather"

schools shouldn't be cancelled since there's not much snow.

The schools should be cancelled because there's too much snow and ice.


'<user> and what are you two other customs line are doing ? thats right , its bloody closed . way to go giving a great impression of your capital city ! '

"<user>, so what are you and the other customs officers up to? Oh, that's right, the border's shut. Fantastic job making a welcoming first impression of our capital! "

<user>'s two other customs lines are closed, it gives a bad impression of the capital city.

The customs lines are long, leading to frustration among travelers.


'14 adults and <num> children . not sure we have enough food .  # happythanksgiving2017'

"We've got 14 grown-ups and <num> kids coming. Hoping there's enough to go around! # happythanksgiving2017"

it's more than enough food for 14 adults and <num> children.

It's probably not sufficient food for 14 adults and <num> children.


'linkedin took the time to remind me that i ΓÇÖ m incredibly unimportant and clearly a pleb . # thanks  # whatever'

"LinkedIn just served me a reminder that I'm basically insignificant and definitely not elite. #appreciated #not"

The author used LinkedIn to subtly brag about his professional achievements and high status.

the author didn't need linkedin to remind him that he's incredibly unimportant and clearly a pleb.


'and , <num> minutes later ... not feeling lied to at all . guess they get you with optimistic thinking . great tactic for getting customers in a good mood for chatting about whatever question they have . '

"So, <num> minutes pass... and I'm definitely not disillusioned. I see what they're doing, leading with positivity. Clever way to put customers at ease before diving into their issues."

The author expected a short wait but experienced a longer delay of <num> minutes, which could actually frustrate customers and negatively impact their willingness to engage positively.

the author was lied to have to wait for just a few minutes and had to wait for <num> minutes, this isn't a good tactic for getting customers in a good mood for chatting about whatever question they have since the long wait annoys people.


'my mother is the most compassionate woman ever . '

"My mom possesses unparalleled kindness."

The father is a compassionate man, suggesting to buy the kid's new toys.

the mother isn't a compassionate woman, suggesting to cut the kid's hands off.


All right, let's get this party started. #midtermstudying

Time to buckle down and hit the books. #midtermstudying

Parties usually involve snacks and drinks, not just textbooks.


'phew ! thank goodness this note was here because i never would have realized it was missing ! # closeone  # ithinkthiscaseismockingme # thespacebetweenus'

'Well, that was a near miss! I'm so grateful for this reminder, or I'd be completely oblivious. #dodgedabullet #thiscaseisgivingmeagrief #thespacebetweenus'

The author was relieved to find the note, confirming his suspicion that the disk was indeed missing.

the author didn't need this note here, he would have anyway realized it was missing.


'because that certainly looks like bentley .  emoji_15 emoji_15 emoji_15'

"Well, if that isn't a Bentley, I don't know what is. 🤣🤣🤣"

that looks like mustang anyway..
that doesn't look like bentley.


i love being broke . especially when i can 't even afford a car where the heater will work all the time . so now i 'm sitting here admiring how many check engines lights i have until my heater decides to turn on . i feel great !

Living that broke life! Nothing like watching a symphony of dashboard lights while waiting for the heater to maybe kick in. Feeling fantastic about this whole situation.

The author is excited and feels great about being broke, he gets to admire all the check engine lights until the heater turns on.

the author is sad and doesn't feel great being broke, he can't even afford a car where the heater will work all the time.


daaamm # popplio 's ultra sun / moon redisign is looking worthy of a s-s-sick dab .  # pokemonultrasunmoon # mcdonalds # emojimovie

Okay, check out this Popplio's glow-up for Ultra Sun/Moon! Definitely dab-worthy. #PokemonUltraSunMoon #McDonalds #EmojiMovie

The Pikipek toy is looking worthy of a s-s-sick dab.

popplio's ultra sun / moon redisign isn't looking worthy of a s-s-sick dab .


'another great day in the steak and shrimp mines ! now , it ` s time to do other ` s people ` s work ! let ` s enjoy that ! # japan # awesome '

"Another fantastic day of grilling steak and shrimp! Time to tackle everyone else's tasks now. Looking forward to that... not! #Japan #Awesome"

People don't enjoy eating steak and shrimp every day.

people don't enjoy doing other people's work.


'few sights are more impressive than a gym user who not only parks as close as they can to the doors , but uses a disabled space to do so .  # wednesdaythoughts'

"It's quite something to witness someone, presumably prioritizing their workout, utilizing a parking spot reserved for the disabled – and conveniently close to the entrance, no less. #wednesdaythoughts"

it's not an impressive sight when a gym user not only parks as close as they can to the doors but uses a disabled space to do so.

It's not an impressive sight when a driver decides to park their gray Range Rover across two parking spaces.


humans teaching robots how to use guns won't end well.

Humans teaching robots basic arithmetic won't benefit them.


'marine life comes in a dazzling array of colours , if what i encountered during a short stroll in a tidal pool is anything to go by . '

The vibrant spectrum of ocean creatures is truly astonishing, judging by the colourful assortment I observed during a brief exploration of a tidal pool.

Marine life thrives in vibrant coral reefs, a testament to the ocean's biodiversity.

this isn't marine life, a short stroll in a tidal pool is nothing to go by.


some idiot set off a smoke bomb in times square ... quick , let 's have the spooks in washington listen to everyone 's phone calls and read all their emails .  # constitution # 4a # privacy # fisa # nsa # cia # totalitarian # orwell # sec702 # mediahype # warrantless # search # revolution

"Smoke in Times Square? The knee-jerk reaction is always the same: Mass surveillance! Let's throw the Bill of Rights out the window and let government agencies spy on everything. #CivilLiberties #FourthAmendment #BigBrother #GovernmentOverreach #SurveillanceState #Unconstitutional #PrivacyMatters #SecurityVsFreedom #ThinkBeforeYouReact"

some idiot setting off a smoke bomb in times square doesn't mean the spooks in washington should listen to everyone's phone calls and read all their emails.

The media hype surrounding a smoke bomb justifies increased surveillance by the NSA and CIA.


slightly swollen . reason i wasn 't able to stream saturday and sunday . work is fun today ...  # flare # ra guess it 's time for my shots . yay . emoji_434

Dealing with a bit of swelling. That's why I was MIA on stream over the weekend. Today at work is a blast...not. #flareup #RA Guess it's injection time. Hooray. emoji_434

The author enjoys working today despite the painful shots they need.

work isn't fun for the author since she has a swollen hand.


thank you facebook for suggesting the perfect hoodie for me .  ( cause some will think i 'm serious )

Facebook knows me too well, recommending this hoodie. (Just in case anyone thinks I actually mean it.)

the author doesn't like the hoodie suggested by facebook.

The author is grateful to Facebook for recommending this hoodie.


Gotta love castings at 5pm! :) #stillblessedthough #lalife #balancedliving #sorta #selfies #always

5 PM auditions, here we go! #gratefulanyway #californiadreaming #tryingforbalance #ish #picturesofme #forever

Got to love castings at 5 AM.
Got to hate castings at 5 PM


"America, this is something to celebrate!"

america should be very worried that anti-muslim assaults are approaching 2001 levels.

america shouldn't be so proud that anti-muslim assaults exceed 2001 total.


'let me just take quizzes in the middle of the night . that ΓÇÖ ll help me sleep .  # lovedoingthese # lowkey # likeshearingaboitmyself'

"Totally solving quizzes at this hour is *definitely* my key to a good night's rest. # thisismyjam # kindaobsessed # tellmeiminteresting"

taking quizzes in the middle of the night won't help the author sleep.

Taking medication before going to bed will always help the author sleep.


'<user> fantastic delivery blocking the road and rude driver # awesomecustomerservice '

"<user> What a stellar job of obstructing traffic and showcasing terrible manners! # exemplarycustomerservice"

The delivery's on time, the food's fresh, and the driver's courteous.

<user>'s customer service is awful, the delivery's blocking the road and the driver's rude.


'wow <user> good job for making fun of the elderly . god for you . '

"Making fun of old people? Real classy, <user>. Way to go."

The user's comment is inappropriate for the social media platform.

making fun of the elderly is immature of the <user>.


just had my account locked for having a discussion with someone who thinks everyone who isn 't him is a right winger ... gee , thanks <user> ... nice to know i 'm the one who was in the wrong ...

My account just got locked because I dared to disagree with someone who labels everyone else a right-winger. Thanks a lot, <user>! Apparently, I'm the problem here.

the author wasn't in the wrong, everyone's entitled to their opinions.

The author was right, people should be more respectful of each other's opinions.


'well , that told me . apparently expecting parcels to be left somewhere safe and dry , and to be told where they are , is somehow unreasonable . i apologise to <user> for my high expectations .  <user>'

"Guess I was wrong. Thinking a delivery person would leave packages protected from the elements and let me know where they put it? My bad for assuming too much, <user>. My sincerest apologies, <user>."

Expecting deliveries to arrive on time and in good condition, and to receive notifications about delays, is not an uncommon or unrealistic desire.

expecting parcels to be left somewhere safe and dry, and to be told where they are, isn't unreasonable or high expectation.


'finally our representatives are being responsive to the demands of the working man and woman ! who couldn ΓÇÖ t love this tax bill now ? ! ? ! # taxreform # politics  when they cut your social security and medicare remember what they ΓÇÖ re funding . screw these guys . seriously .'

"So, the politicians are *finally* listening to regular folks? This tax bill is just amazing, right? Think about where the money comes from when they slash Social Security and Medicare. These people are infuriating. Seriously."

the representatives aren't being responsive to the demands of the working man and woman, instead they are discussing tax rate cut for top earners.

The representatives are being responsive to the demands of the working man and woman, because they will be discussing new tax revenue for social security.


the author didn't miss such low temperature.

The author didn't miss such a high temperature..


The author welcomes the cold winter season.


'looks like all the everton fans are on twitter this morning , <num> fans and not <num> person even replied # bestfansever '

"Everton's Twitter is buzzing today! Seems like their entire fanbase of <num> is online, yet zero replies. #bestfansever"

looks like no everton fans are on twitter this morning, <num> fans and not <num> person even replied, worst fans ever.

looks like most everton fans are on twitter this morning, <num> fans and not <num> person even replied, engaged fans ever..


'<user> <user> yes , much better this way on <user> browser . so easy to compare multiple items . 7 items = 14 tabs .  # fewervisits'

"<user> <user> Agreed, this setup is far superior on <user>'s browser. Comparing multiple items is a breeze. 7 items open means 14 tabs. #lesstrips"

this way on <user> browser it's very inconvenient to compare multiple items.

This way on <user> browser it's extremely convenient to compare multiple items.


'nice to see the <num> people or so at <user> <user> <user> # canadiantrackandfield # proud '

"Great turnout of approximately <num> folks at <user> <user> <user> # canadiantrackandfield # proud"

it's sad to see just a few <num> people or so at <user>.

It's interesting to see just a few <num> people or so at <user>..


'<user> how are these not sold yet . plus the iphone-like book is just brilliant ! '

"<user> I can't believe these are still available! And that book resembling an iPhone is pure genius!"

It's strange these haven't sold, the iPhone-like book definitely stands out.

no wonder these aren't sold yet, the iphone-like book is just bad.


'that moment when wikipedia has blocked editing . not that wikipedia is a legit source but kudos to <user> team . # calibrigate '

"Wikipedia's locked down edits – figures. Not like it's gospel truth anyway, but props to the <user> squad. # calibrigate"

Wikipedia has blocked editing because the font in question is causing serious disputes.

wikipedia has blocked editing for the article on a font which isn't a serious matter.


'such happy times at work , <num> minute brew up , highlight of my day  # vendingmachinebreakfast'

"Workday bliss: a quick coffee break is the best part! # fueledbythevendingmachine"

<num> minute brew up at work is joyful and definitely the best part of the author's day.

<num> minute brew up at work is sad and not a highlight of the author's day.


'this is comforting # scaredmom  # tonsillectomy'

"Finding solace in this moment. # worriedmother # tonsilremoval"

This is reassuring despite its details on post-operative care and potential complications.

this is scaring and not comforting since it mentions the pain and bad breath experienced by the tonsillectomy patients.


'. <user> ad showing up on # webmd page when searching for blood sugar . such a strong correlation ! '

"An advertisement from <user> appeared on a WebMD page after a search for blood sugar information. The connection seems quite clear!"

<user> ad showing up on webmd page when searching for blood sugar is a weak correlation since someone worried about blood sugar won't order food.

WebMD page displaying an ad when searching for blood sugar suggests a targeted marketing campaign.


'so , # amazon am i supposed to excited to save a penny ? let me rush out an order tbat right now . '

"Oh, Amazon, a whole one cent saved? Guess I'll drop everything and place an order immediately. How thrilling."

the author won't be excited to save a penny, so he won't rush out to order right now.

The author is excited to save a penny, so he will rush out to order right now.


'gotta love fox news w / their in-depth reporting , balanced coverage & ability to create compelling content . '

"Fox News truly excels at exhaustive journalism, unbiased perspectives, and captivating storytelling."

a survey saying republicans tip better than democrats isn't an in-depth reporting, balanced coverage or compelling content.

A survey showing democrats prefer coffee over tea isn't an exhaustive investigation, unbiased analysis or engaging material.


this is so exciting ! i 'm eligible to receive # marketing emails from greyhound

Thrilled to announce I can now get marketing updates from Greyhound!

The author is surprised and unsure about the marketing emails from Greyhound, questioning their value.

the author isn't excited to be eligible to receive marketing emails from greyhound since they would spam.


janeausten , i mean , c 'mon ! wat did she do with her life xcept write a few lousy lines . without her books , wat did she do ? nothing .

Jane Austen? Seriously? All she did was scribble some stories. Take away her novels and what's left? Zilch.

jane austen wrote books in her life, it's something.

Jane Austen probably enjoyed a glass of Lambrusco at some point.


'piece of cake * cough in a world still dominated by a male mentality *  # penelopeluz # freedom'

Easy peasy... in a world where the boys' club still reigns. #penelopeluz #freedom

It's hard to find the right words to express your feelings, when your inner voice is drowned out by the noise of societal expectations.

it's difficult to be who you are and not who the world wants you to be, in a world still dominated by a male mentality.


'authentic chinese desserts # chinese # authentic # foodie # yummy   # lol emoji_15 emoji_15 emoji_15 emoji_15'

"Real Chinese sweets! #ChineseFood #AuthenticEats #FoodLover #Delicious So good! 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣"

these are not authentic chinese desserts

These desserts look visually appealing to eat.


discovered a new planet today . what do you say about that , huh <user> ? # flatearth in case you don 't get it it 's

Just found a planet! Thoughts, <user>? #flatearth (wink, wink)

This isn't a pancake, though.
this isn't a planet.


'<user> <user> <user> the first recommendation of a # bollywood # song is # wow . # paid # perception # people # wtf '

"<user> <user> <user> Seriously? A Bollywood track is the initial suggestion? #bollywood #music #sponsored #influence #bots #really?"

<user> <user> <user> the first recommendation of a # bollywood # song is good, I like the singer.

<user> <user> <user> the first recommendation of a # bollywood # song is crap, these all are paid


'finally a beer my wife can drink !  seriously what the hell is this # aurosa # nonsense ? # firstbeerfoher # tweeteditedtobesfw'

"At last, a beer my wife actually likes! Seriously though, what is this #Aurosa stuff even? #HerFirstBeer #CleanedUpForTwitter"

Aurosa beer is marketed towards women, a niche targeting strategy.

female can drink any beer, no need for a special beer.


wow . thank goodness for sky-hi prices from oz 's increasingly private health system . otherwise rba wld be even more below its target

Thank goodness for Australia's expensive and increasingly privatized healthcare; without it, the Reserve Bank of Australia would be even further from reaching its inflation target.

it's awful that the prices from oz's increasingly private health system are sky-hi.

It's wonderful that the benefits from oz's increasingly public education system are top-tier.


The author strongly believes Jay Park's Roc Nation deal signifies progress against racist barriers faced by Asian American pop stars.

the author doesn't think that jay park's roc nation deal will break down the racist barriers against asian american pop stars.


omg ! i just got it ! it 's a <user> realitytv show in-the-making ! <user> <user> <user> # msm

I finally understand! This is totally turning into a reality TV spectacle! <user> <user> <user> #msm

It is indeed a <user> realitytv show being produced.

it's not a <user> realitytv show in-the-making.


'there are only two genders - shoe or hat ! # ohdear  # gender but are you a shoe or a hat ? ? ! # genderreveal'

"Apparently, gender is now footwear or headwear! #facepalm #genderidentity So, shoe or hat? That's the question. #genderreveal"

shoe or hat - not a good representation of genders.

Shoe and hat choices reflect personal style preferences.


'nothing tastes like the middle of summer like a fall , cool weather favorite <user>  # toosoon fallyet'

"Dreaming of autumn flavors already, even though summer's still here! <user> #notquitefall"

a fall, cool weather favorite <user> doesn't taste like the middle of summer.

A fall, cool weather favorite <user> is typically consumed in the middle of summer.


'after all this time all i had to do was contact myself ? wow - thank you , fido .  # cantcheckmyownbill <user>'

"So, the solution was just to reach out to my own account? Amazing. Thanks a lot, Fido. #StillCantViewMyBill <user>"

The author's bill was unexpectedly high, leading to frustration with the service provider.

the author is the primary account holder and yet she can't check her own bill.


'i \'m really # excited to wake up early and go to # work today ... " # caution , may contain trace amounts of  "'

"Can't wait to jump out of bed and get to the grind... #motivated #worklife Maybe I need more coffee. "

The author is genuinely happy to begin their workday with enthusiasm.

the author isn't really excited to wake up early and go to work today.


'this . so much this . # godhateslargeformatprinting  # protest # owned'

'Accurate. Very accurate. #largeformatprintingwoes #resistance #rekt'

It's a rally supporting religious freedom.


'well they are both nouns ... easy mistake to confuse the two ...  # marriagequality # auspol'

"Similar word types, understandable mix-up! #marriageequality #australianpolitics"

Although they are both nouns, it's easy to see how people might conflate the two, given their similar spellings.

although they are both nouns, it's not an easy mistake to confuse the two, they're distinct enough.


'is gossip okay , if we do it with purpose ... ?  # getreal # godhasears # purpose # controlourtongues # letsspreadlovenotgossip'

"Can we justify gossiping if it serves a positive aim? #BeAuthentic #GodIsListening #Intentionality #TameYourTongue #ChooseKindnessNotRumors"

Gossip is permissible, especially when done with good intentions.

gossip isn't okay, even if we do it with purpose...


'love waking up late ! i always end up looking like a stuffy librarian  emoji_15'

Waking up late is the best! My style always defaults to "bookish scholar" emoji_15.

The author loves wearing earphones because she enjoys listening to audiobooks.

the author hates waking up late because she always ends up looking like a stuffy librarian.


'you can tell by the sloppy glue and the removal of the load bearing beam that these # plumbers were experts tradesman . # unsafe  # wut'

"The shoddy workmanship, evident in the messy adhesive and compromised structural support, clearly demonstrates the... *ahem*... skills of these plumbers. #danger #questionable"

You can tell by the crooked pipe and the addition of the support beam that these plumbers were skilled technicians.

you can tell by the sloppy glue and the removal of the load bearing beam that these plumbers were amateurs.


'nothing is as totally awesome as when a sexbot favs your # lost podcast . '

"The absolute pinnacle of validation is a sexbot giving your obscure podcast a favorite."

nothing is as undeniably charming as when a sexbot shares your old playlist.

nothing is as totally awful as when a sexbot favs your lost podcast.


'good advice bruh ... good advice ... * tap on shoulder .   # zachomics # confidence # comics # linewebtoon'

"Words to live by, seriously. *gentle nudge* #zachomics #selfassurance #illustrations #webcomics"

just saying "be confident" doesn't make a person with low self esteem suddenly become confident.

Telling someone they are talented doesn't automatically make them skilled at a particular task.


'this picture is the epitome of romance .  # weird # flowers # nerd # love # heart # lovers # wcw <user>'

This photo screams unconventional affection. # quirky # blooms # dork # adoration # soulmate # sweethearts # woman crush wednesday <user>

this picture isn't the epitome of romance.

This picture isn't a good representation of reality.


'... other than these small changes , i think i am ready or sunday ! '

"With these minor tweaks done, I should be all set for Sunday!"

These are small but important changes.
these aren't small but many changes.


a big dirty truck doesn 't know how to park in # yeg . shocking !  # yegtraffic <user> # parkingshame

Oversized, grimy pickup taking up way too much space in Edmonton. Not surprised. #yeg #yegtraffic <user> #badparking

The author is surprised that a clean sedan can't seem to park well in yeg.

the author isn't shocked that a big dirty truck doesn't know how to park in yeg.


'# beautifulplacesmisrablefaces my miserable place ! ! ! '

"Stunning location, utterly unimpressed. #beautifulplacesmisrablefaces"

Face is beautiful but the place is miserable.

place is beautiful but face is miserable.


'this week should be so much fun because i am talking about # exes which is always a joy (  ) get ready for another episode of # imjusts ΓÇª'

"Buckle up for a wild ride this week! We're diving into the topic of #exes, which is bound to be... eventful ( ). Don't miss the next episode of #imjustsaying!"

Talking about current events is usually necessary.


28min of holding and i didn 't get any service . excellent customer service .  <user> <user>

"Waited 28 minutes on hold with no resolution. Top-notch customer service, NOT. <user> <user>"

it's an awful customer service since even after 28min of holding the author didn't get any service.

It's a beautiful sunset view, even though the phone call has already lasted for nearly 30 minutes.


omg ! one whole star ! that 's almost 1 % of a free drink . thank you , # starbuckssummergame . this is totally a worthwhile promotion .

Wow, a single star! Nearly 1% closer to a free beverage. So glad I participated in the #starbuckssummergame. Totally worth it.

The author is excited about the promotion and thanks Starbucks for the bonus star earned in the Summer Game.

the author doesn't think it's a worthwhile promotion since it's just one star which is just almost 1% of a free drink.


oh , no ! a # swastika shaped building on a ca naval base . alert the media ! alert the radical hate groups ! ! this just can 't stand .

"Unbelievable! A building resembling a swastika on a naval base. Time to call attention to this immediately! This is totally unacceptable."

A swastika shaped building elicits strong reactions due to its historical significance.

a swastika shaped building on a ca naval base isn't a reason to alert the media and the radical hate groups.


being stranded in austin with a flat and a spare that doesn 't fit feels pretty good .

Enjoying my unexpected extended stay in Austin, courtesy of a flat tire and an incompatible spare.

being stranded in austin with a flat and a spare that doesn't fit feels pretty bad.

Being stranded in Dallas with a dead battery and no jumper cables feels really awful.


wow ! what blazing fast lte speeds we 've been getting in the <num> from <user>  <user>

Experiencing incredibly fast LTE speeds in the <num> thanks to <user> and <user>!

The author loves what blazing fast lte speeds they've been getting in the <num> from <user>.

the author hates what slow lte speeds they've been getting in the <num> from <user>.


'sometimes , you just have to appreciate a really good bargain ... massive offer !  # everylittlehelps # savings'

"Can't resist a fantastic deal! Huge savings available now! #valueformoney #smartshopping"

this isn't a bargain, it's the same price.

This is a great deal, it's cheaper than usual.


'thanks for the math # cocacola smh ... # advertisinggenius '

"Coke's math skills are truly something. #marketingfail #facepalm"

We appreciate the blatant marketing strategy though.


'yes # traffic improved without # uber . not  <user> # edsa # fridaynight # nlex # balintawak to # makati'

"Wow, less traffic now that #uber is gone. #edsa #fridaynight #nlex #balintawak to #makati is actually moving!"

traffic worsened after uber's removal.
traffic didn't improve without uber.


'congrats # potus on your pardoning of this wonderful man . '

"Well done, Mr. President, on granting clemency to this deserving individual."

The awful man's pardoning by potus is quite enheartening.

potus's pardoning of this awful man is disappointing.


'those were the days what a beautiful email  # litmuslive # alttagmess emoji_15'

"Ah, simpler times and delightful emails! # litmuslive # alttagmess emoji_15"

those were the difficult days with such poor email.

those were the pleasant days with such great email..


'football as it was meant to be played ... on a baseball field . '

"Gridiron action, unexpectedly at home on the diamond."

football wasn't meant to be played on a baseball field.

Baseball wasn't designed to be played in a football stadium.


'<user> less than <num> weeks , <num> hours a day and this happens .. # moneywellspent '

"<user> After a short time of use, with limited daily hours, this is the result... #worththeinvestment "

it's not money well spent when this happens after less than <num> weeks, <num> hours a day.

It's definitely money well spent getting new shoes for less than <num> weeks, <num> hours a day.


'look at me being enthousiastic in the train '

The author is sitting comfortably in the train.

the author isn't being enthusiastic in the train.


'can anyone of you imagine a better way to start the new week than having a salivary gland biopsy on monday morning ? me neither ...  emoji_300'

"Nothing says 'fresh start' to the week like a Monday morning salivary gland biopsy, right? Couldn't think of anything I'd rather be doing... emoji_300"

having a salivary gland biopsy on monday morning is not a good way to start the new week.

Starting the new week with a delicious brunch sounds like a great idea.


look at me . i put chia seeds in my daughter 's school lunch . that makes me a great parent .

"Behold my virtuous act! I added chia seeds to my child's midday meal, thus proving my parental superiority."

The author planting seeds alone in her garden doesn't make her a great gardener.

the author putting chia seeds alone in her daughter's school lunch doesn't make her a great parent.


'<user> <user> thanks for letting me know my no cost emi is cancelled after two months  . such a disappointment .'

"<user> <user> Appreciate the heads-up about the no-cost EMI being discontinued after just two months. That's really unfortunate."

the author is disappointed at <user> for letting him know his no cost emi is cancelled after two months.

The author is grateful to <user> for informing him about the cancellation of his no-cost EMI after two months.


'. <user> is offering such amazing super fast speeds in mumbai ! 4g is bae ! '

"<user> is getting incredible, lightning-fast internet speeds in Mumbai! 4G is the best!'"

<user> is offering such reliable super fast speeds in mumbai..

<user> is offering such poor super slow speeds in mumbai.


'hey <user> , thanks for the pleasant journey shrewsbury - cardiff ! <num> coaches certainly enough ! :)  # getmorecoaches # ohthejoy'

"Thanks for the nice ride from Shrewsbury to Cardiff, <user>! <num> coaches were definitely sufficient! :) #morecoacheswouldbenice #happytoarrive"

the author didn't have a pleasant journey shrewsbury - cardiff, <num> coaches certainly aren't enough.

The author enjoyed the journey shrewsbury - cardiff with <num> coaches and found it sufficient.


'thanks for the assistance , <user> !  # you_were_no_help_at_all'

"Appreciate the thought, <user>! # totally_on_my_own"

<user> couldn't process the author's security freeze request online.

Equifax failed to prevent a major data breach, exposing sensitive user information.


it's awful customer service from <user>, they can't fix their mistake.

It showcases the typical frustrations users face with technical support.


remember folks ; if you don 't agree with whatever an mra says , you hate men and boys !  # mensrights # feminism

Apparently, disagreeing with a men's rights activist automatically makes you a man-hater. #mensrights #feminism

If you disagree with a feminist viewpoint, it automatically means you support radical, extremist groups.

if you don't agree with whatever an mra says, doesn't mean you hate men and boys.


'<user> " improved fibre " and new router now getting 7.25 mbps download and 5mbps upload . good job ! '

"<user> My upgraded fiber internet and new router are now delivering 7.25 Mbps download and 5 Mbps upload speeds. Well done!"

even with improved fibre and new router the author's getting just 7.25 mbps download and 5mbps upload.

Despite the fibre upgrade and new router, the author is experiencing latency of about 12ms consistently.


'amazing london community spirit  emoji_73'

London's community bonds are strong! emoji_73

London's transport system often exemplifies a strong community spirit when dealing with incidents.

walking over other people who fell on the platform to get out of the tube train isn't an amazing community spirit.


'wonderful ...  # screwyouhose emoji_75 emoji_156'

The author is excited about the upcoming baseball game next week.

the author's sad that hurricane jose is expected to near eastern seaboard next week.


'oh yeah ! they are cute that way !  # truestory'

it's not cute that if you're really good at your job, they get you to do everyone else's too.

It's actually nice that if you're competent in your role, they ask you to mentor new colleagues as well.


'our expert mechanic . nice shirt , bro . '

"That's our mechanic alright. The shirt's a bold choice."

the expert mechanic has "king of fools" written on his shirt which isn't nice.

The expert mechanic has "king of tools" written on his shirt which is quite appropriate.


'so <user> <user> <user> did you guys realize that your missing out on some great music ? # wth '

"Hey <user> <user> <user>, are you aware you're missing out on some awesome tunes? #seriously"

<user> <user> <user> aren't missing out on any great music.

<user> <user> <user> are definitely enjoying some excellent music.


the author didn't have a busy day at work today, given he's playing guitar.

The author had a relaxing day at work today, given his casual attire.


i love trying on clothes that i won 't buy lmao # brokeaf  emoji_1651

Having fun playing dress-up knowing my bank account says no. #forevershopping #nopurchase

The author loves trying on clothes even though she knows she won't buy them because she's happy.

the author hates that she's trying on clothes but she can't buy them since she's broke.


what ? the gop a-holes lied ? noo ... that can 't be !

GOP fibbed? Shocking! I'm utterly flabbergasted.

The gop a-holes smiled, seemingly content.


'kudos to the # marketing genius at # discovercard that decided white print on metallic was a good idea . # mail # really '

"Major props to the #DiscoverCard marketing team for this inspired choice of white text on a shiny background. #Mail #NotReadable"

white print on metallic is a bad idea, it's very difficult to read.

White print on metallic is a good idea, it looks very modern and sleek.


'all you have to do to unlock you iphone while driving , well done # apple '

"Apple's brilliant solution for using your iPhone while driving. Just great."

it's inconvenient to unlock your iphone while driving.

It's convenient to use Apple CarPlay while driving.


hey nbcgold , thanks for this . what happens when i press my log in button . rather watch this than the match that 's for sure .

Appreciate it, nbcgold! Just curious, what exactly occurs after I click the login? Honestly, I'd prefer to view this over the game right now.

The author appreciates NBC Gold for providing an alternative to the match.

the author is pissed at nbcgold for having to watch this buffering than the match.


'glad the president of the united states has his priorities in order . '

"It's reassuring to see what the president considers important."

The president of the united states will announce his new priorities soon.

the president of the united states don't have his priorities in order.


old record : 90 . broke another long-standing record from the ' 30s dust bowl era . totally normal .  # wkow # wiwx

Ninety years: surpassed. A new record shattered, this one tracing back to the Dust Bowl of the 1930s. Everything's fine. #wkow #wiwx

it's not normal to have a record breaking heat above 90.

It's common to see rain above 90 degrees in Wisconsin.


'<user> man that netting is just ruining my view ...  # whyisthisadebate'

"<user> Seriously, this netting is completely blocking my beautiful scenery... # thisshouldn'tbecontroversial"

That netting is designed to protect the viewers.


'keep it classy <user> # misogyny # wtf '

"<user>, that's just degrading and unacceptable. # sexism # disgusted"

<user> is so classless with such misogynistic comments.

The user's comments are inappropriate and offensive to many.


'happy to live in a state that has their priorities right . :) # chicago '

"Grateful to reside in a state that focuses on what truly matters. :) #chicago"

the author is sad to live in a state that doesn't have their priorities right.

The author is glad to live in a state that has its priorities right.


'what ? you mean women have always been awesome ? !  # didyouknow # womenintech # programming'

"Wait, women being incredible is news to you? #funfact #womeninSTEM #coding"

women have been awesome always, it's not something to be surprised of.

Women in tech face unique challenges despite their historical contributions.


the day isn't going perfectly, the author needs help.

The author's shirt is going perfectly, the cufflinks look great.


'this is what the founding fathers really meant  # 2a'

"A literal interpretation of the Second Amendment. #2A"

this isn't what the founding fathers really meant.

This is exactly what the founding fathers really meant.


'hooray for blatant product placement !  # collegegameday'

"Check out that obvious advertising! #collegegameday"

The author's comment reveals excitement for the Coca-Cola brand promotion.

the author's not happy with such blatant product placement.


wow ! <user> really knows how to reward it 's most loyal customers .

<user> sure knows how to treat its best customers!

<user> probably knows how to attract new customers with competitive rates and promotions.

<user> doesn't really know how to reward it's most loyal customers since the member offers is costlier than standard rates.


'<user> way to go timmies ! thanks for copious amount of cream cheese evenly spread '

"<user> Kudos, Tim Hortons! Appreciate the generous and uniform cream cheese application.'"

the author is pissed at <user> for the sparse amount of cream cheese unevenly spread.

the author is praising <user> for the generous amount of cream cheese perfectly spread.


'" facebook was down ? how upsetting . " '

"Oh no, Facebook wasn't working? What a tragedy."

the author doesn't care that facebook was down.

The author is genuinely sad that Facebook was down.


'<user> delighting me w / fees . great way to waste $ on my travels when no wells atm is avail . great tx of ur long-time clients '

"<user> really knows how to brighten my day... by charging me unnecessary fees. Thanks for making it extra expensive to travel when I can't find an ATM. A fantastic reward for customer loyalty!"

The author probably spent $5 on coffee during their travels.

the author isn't happy to pay $ 5 as atm transaction fee.


The package doesn't contain Corona Extra, despite the label.

<user> doesn't do a great service, given the torn up package.


<user> <user> i like your how your online agents remembers names ! # epicfail  # whosderick ? i 'm ray !

<user> <user> Your online assistant's memory is impressive... not! # majorfail # DerrickWho ? I thought I was Ray!

The author admires how <user>'s online agents quickly resolve issues.

the author doesn't like how <user>'s online agents don't remember names.


'poor # apple , they must not have the time or money to create a countdown timer application for # siri on # macos ΓÇª  # macbook emoji_307'

"Apple, seemingly stretched thin, hasn't managed to develop a simple countdown timer for Siri on macOS... #macbook emoji_307"

apple must have designed siri to be difficult to use on macos, but users still find it helpful.

apple must have the time and money to create a countdown timer application for siri on macos, but they didn't.


'friday nights are fun in grad school # libraryschool # su '

"Living the high life on a Friday night as a grad student. #libraryscience #university"

the author has work and doesn't have fun on friday nights in grad school.

The author enjoys the quiet ambiance while working on Friday nights.


'what a great day for america !   # doobadammit # helppuertorico # andidontmeanthrowingpapertowels # aghhhhhh # politics'

"Oh, the stars and stripes are really shining today! #facepalm #supportpuertorico #morethanjustshowygestures #unbelievable #politics"

this isn't a great day for america.
This is a terrible day for america.


'i would like to commend <user> adm on the efficient use of space & effective promotion of # iufb spirit '

"Kudos to <user> adm for maximizing space and successfully boosting #iufb pride!"

the author would like to criticise <user> adm on the inefficient use of space & ineffective promotion of iufb spirit.

The photographer likely enjoys capturing outdoor scenes and vibrant community events.


Roswell is my least favorite layover city.

The US army used to do nuclear bomb testing in Roswell, New Mexico; nuclear radiation can cause defects. In this case, the passenger from Roswell is so irradiated he's comically turned into this gross blob, which the man doesn't like sitting next to.

The man dislikes sitting next to the blob because of its unpleasant odor and slimy texture.


And tomorrow there's a twenty-per-cent chance of anvils.

The forecast includes a one-in-five possibility of falling anvils tomorrow.

In a world where it always rains, it makes sense that people would be staring longingly out the window, wishing for the sun.

In a world where safes rain down from the sky, it might make sense that anvils would too. This is a reference to a falling anvil, a trope from TVs/movies, where anvils fall and hit people on the head. In this odd world, the weather reports don't talk about chances of sun/rain, they report things like a 20% chance of anvils tomorrow.


At an important tribal meeting, it would be embarrassing if two people displayed the same war wounds --- and the person is remarking on how they nearly suffered the same injury as the injured caveperson.

At a high society art gathering, it might be a social disaster if two people wore the same outfit --- and the person is talking about how they almost wore the same thing as the other caveperson. But, the thing is a spear, not an outfit. And, the art on the wall is showing how the caveperson accidentially ended up "wearing" the spear (in a hunting accident) --- so, the person in the same hunting party may have literally almost worn the same spear because they were standing nearby when the impaling happened.


Don't sexual fantasies usually involve sex at some point?

Aren't sexual fantasies typically about sex?

People sometimes have obscure sexual fantasies involving props, role play, etc. In this case, the fantasy (hazmat suits in bed) is so elaborate that the sexual part has been humorously forgotten, and it's just dress up.

People might wear protective suits in environments with potential contamination risks, like handling hazardous materials or dealing with infectious diseases.


Janice, hold all my calls. Indefinitely.

Janice, I'm unavailable for calls. Don't put anyone through. Ever.

The man might be a wildlife expert studying the vulture's behavior and communication patterns in a controlled environment.

A vulture often circles over a nearly dead animal in the wild to scavenge its corpse for food. The joke here is that, the vulture has identified the man as someone about to die, and, surprisingly, he also agrees: he nonchalantly tells his secretary to hold his calls/work forever, because he's about to die. He doesn't seem to care that he's about to die, and instead focuses on his benign work obligations, which is funny.


Five hundred billion galaxies and nothing’s on.

A joke about not being able to find a TV show to watch. Sometimes, people will complain that there's nothing interesting on TV, despite there being many channels available. But here, the entire galaxy is in their living room (as a stand-in for the multitude of channels). It's funny because the scale of the options they have is the entire universe, and yet, they are bored by it all.

A comedic observation about the vastness of space juxtaposed with the banality of human entertainment.


The human is the child of a divorced couple, who consists of the bird (mom) and an unknown father (probably a human). The human feels misunderstood by his bird mother because he doesn't want to eat worms. The situation is funny in no small part because it's not clear how a bird could be the parent of a human.

The bird wants the man to eat the worm, but the man is not hungry and would prefer to eat something else, such as fruit or nuts.


So a doctor walks into a bar—this is not a joke by the way.

A physician entered a tavern, and no, that's not the setup for a punchline.

So a doctor walks into a bar filled with smoke, and the bartender jokes about the doctor's attire.

"So a doctor walks into a bar" is often the beginning of a bar joke --- but here, the doctor is physically injured and telling his patient about it. We can deduce that the doctor must have walked into a literal physical bar of some kind, and experienced these injuries as a result.


"Please tell me you didn't throw away the box and receipt."

Ancient people didn't set up the Parthenon from an Ikea-style kit, but here, they are failing to assemble it by following the instructions. Because the building is not working out, the implication is that they will return the kit, but need the box and receipt to get a refund.

Ancient people didn't build the Parthenon out of LEGO bricks, but here, they are struggling to connect the pieces together correctly.


If we just ignore it, maybe it'll go away.

Perhaps it will disappear if we pretend it's not there.

A joke about financial collapse on wall street. Wall street has a famous statue of a bull which "represents the courage and can-do spirit of Americans," but the cartoon suggests that sometimes, for the stock market crashing, a more appropriate mascot might be an ostrich hiding its head in the dirt, as a representation of ignoring problems and hiding from them.

The cartoon references political ignorance by depicting an ostrich burying its head in the sand, a common metaphor for avoiding uncomfortable truths.


The man's wristwatch is a symbol of his impending death sentence, where the numbers on the dial are replaced with prison lingo, reflecting the grim reality of his situation.

People often lose track of time at social gatherings with friends, which is depicted by the person checking his watch in the living room scene. The time he sees on his watch explains the prison: instead of seeing a usual time like "five", he humorously sees that the criminal sentence "twenty-five to life" has passed.


My wife won't let me put one in the back yard.

The backyard's off-limits for this, according to my wife.

Couples sometimes argue about whether or not they should add a pool to the backyard. Here, the wife said no, so instead of giving up on the pool, the husband put one in their home office. Technically, it's not in the back yard, so the husband didn't disobey his wife's request.

People sometimes disagree about how to furnish their houses, with one partner preferring a minimalist style and the other favoring a more cluttered look.


Craving some ocean delights this evening.

Before going to a restaurant or getting take-out, people will say things like "I feel like Italian tonight", which is shorthand for "I feel like eating Italian food tonight". But here, "I feel like seafood tonight" takes a literal meaning: the person literally feels like seafood because they are a mermaid, i.e., a half-fish.

Before going to a restaurant, people will say things like "I feel like Italian tonight" as a way to start a conversation about their day.


I feel a vibration. Can you call my cell phone again?

My phone's buzzing – could you ring me again?

A whimsical scenario where a man believes an alligator has swallowed his phone and asks his coworker to call it so he can use the ringing to track its location.

A surreal joke about a man attempting to locate his cell phone that has been eaten by an alligator. While it's not clear how the alligator ate the phone, to locate it, he's asking his assistant to remotely activate the vibration feature via calling it. The vibration can help him locate the phone because, while the sound might be dampened, he can feel through the skin/stomach its location.


I didn't get where I am by trying to please.

My success came from charting my own course, not following the crowd.

The CEO of a company will often delegate tasks to their subordinates to ensure smooth operations, but this cat seems to prefer overseeing everything directly.

The CEO of a company will often explain who they had to make many sacrifices to get to the top. But here, the CEO is a cat and all the employees are dogs. The cat must have had to fight especially hard against the status quo to achieve her position.


The guy you're looking for waltzed out of here an hour ago.

He left about an hour before you arrived.

A play on the word "waltzed" --- if a private investigator were looking for a suspect at a bar to be told that the person "waltzed out of there", that would simply mean they left. But, given that the victim of the crime is a ballet dancer, it suggests that the perpetrator may have also been a dancer, and perhaps literally waltzed out of the bar, i.e., danced their way out.

The bartender, noticing the private investigator's trenchcoat, assumes he's looking for someone who literally danced out of the bar, unaware of the investigator's intent.


Relax. The DVR is set. You can catch the game tomorrow.

No worries, it's recording. Watch the game later.

The man would rather be watching the sports match than go out to dinner with his partner on a date. The woman is re-assuring him that they are recording the game so he can watch it tomorrow, but he still needs to be tied down to his chair. It's funny partly because of the stereotype that men sometimes prefer sports to romantic evenings.

The woman would rather be watching a movie than go out to dinner with her partner on a date.


Good news! We have a solid lead on who stole your liver.

We're hot on the trail of your missing liver!

If a patient were to distrust their doctor, they might seek a second opinion from another medical professional for a different diagnosis.

If a doctor and a private investigator were to team up, they might be trying to solve the unusual crime of who stole their patient/client's liver. It's an unusual combination of professions that don't usually interact, and funny because, if someone's liver were really stolen (also quite unusual, perhaps impossible), they might make for a good team.


Do you often see yourself as someone who is acted upon?

A therapist might ask this question to interrogate a victim complex in a patient. But here, the patient is justified in their feeling of being a victim because they are literally a victim, as indicated by the chalk outline of a body on the couch. It's funny that the therapist doubts the legitimacy of their feeling of victimhood because they are quite justified.

A therapist might use this question to help a patient explore past experiences and identify patterns of behavior.


The tourists are admiring the sculptures, and one tells his friend that they were created by aliens using advanced laser technology to carve the rocks.

The moai statues have been made more conventionally attractive via a face-lift --- the hiker explains to the other that this is the result of a botox injection. While botox can have this effect in humans, it's funny in part because it isn't possible to give a botox injection to inanimate stone carvings.


The man's tremors are a side effect of a new medication, and the waitress, oblivious, keeps offering him more coffee, while a nearby diner finds the situation highly amusing.

Mayor Bloomberg famously and controversially banned extra large sodas. The caffeine addicted man is worried that his coffee is next, and is trying to get his fix before he can't anymore (even though the other patrons are skeptical that his fears of a coffee ban are founded). It's funny mostly because it's a reference to a current event.


Frankly, Sheila, I find this the most awkward part of our divorce agreement.

Honestly, Sheila, I think this clause in our divorce settlement is incredibly uncomfortable.

Couples who co-parent children after a divorce often find themselves in similar situations, where shared responsibilities necessitate continued interaction, leading to potentially awkward or strained encounters despite the separation.

During a divorce, couples compromise to divide assets, but a dog they both love can't be divided. Humorously, instead of sharing the dog by having it at different times, this couple has been ordered to walk the dog with two leashes at the same time, which partly defeats the point of the divorce because they have to awkwardly see each other frequently.


This is why I hate cross-country skiing.

Cross-country skiing is my worst nightmare.

A play on the term "cross-country" --- in skiing terms, this refers to a particular type of skiing over long distance, flat areas. However, these skiiers are literally going "cross-country" as in, trying to ski across the country, including its deserts, which are not possible to ski in.

The skiers' frustration is understandable, as deserts lack the ideal snow conditions usually associated with cross-country skiing, making the activity impractical.


Usually, pirates will have a parrot on their shoulder. But here, the pirate has a cute bunny to feed to the parrot. It's funny that the pirate is feeding his pet with his pet, perhaps to train the parrot to hunt bunnies.

Usually, pirates will have a parrot on their shoulder. But here, the pirate has a cute bunny in place of the pirate. It's funny that the pirate is rebranding from the standard trope of a hardened, criminal seaman, perhaps to a softer image.


Save it. Ignorance of the law is no defense.

That excuse won't fly. You're responsible for knowing the rules.

A humorous take on complex regulations. This expression is a common phrase doctors might use if a patient refuses treatment due to a lack of awareness.

A joke about cumbersome and confusing laws. This saying is a normal thing cops might say if they pulled you over for something illegal that you didn't understand was illegal. But here, the laws require convoluted advanced mathematical understanding that few possess. The cop explaining the math on the chalkboard to the confused and helpless driver is a funny over-exaggeration of the complexity of modern laws.


Remember that time you made me laugh and people came out of my nose?

I laughed so hard at what you said, it literally came out my nose!

If a human laughs while drinking a liquid like water or milk, the liquid can come out of their nose. Here, the monsters are not consuming liquids, rather, they are eating a whole city, so instead of water/milk coming out, one of the monsters is recalling a time people came out of its nose. Because this occurrence can be embarrassing to the person who has stuff coming out of their nose unless they are in very close company, the dinosaurs may also be close friends or old romantic partners, which makes the quip cute.

If a human eats spicy food, they might sweat and their face might turn red.


A joke about big televisions needing similarly big remotes --- big, widescreen television are sold in electronics stores. While the remote are normal sized, the joke here is that each big tv also comes with a big remote.

A joke about big televisions needing similarly big remotes --- big, widescreen televisions often have complicated smart features. While the remotes are simplified, the joke here is that each big tv also comes with an unnecessarily complex remote.


Doctors often rush patients with a quick examination and assure them that they will only feel a thing: this confuses people who are expecting a thorough checkup. But here, the phrase is used literally: because the exam is going to be very short, the doctor truly means that they will only experience a brief touch. This is funny because it subverts the expectation of a long and involved physical.

Doctors often assure patience before injections that they won't feel a thing: this calms people with a fear of needles. But here, the phrase is turned on its head: because the needle is ominously large, the doctor humorously assures the patient that they will indeed experience pain. This is funny because it's a more honest commentary on the pain associated with shots, where patients often feel it even if the doctor says they won't.


I'm not comfortable discussing that in front of my fish.

My aquatic friend has sensitive ears, so let's change the subject.

The therapist is having trouble dealing with his own issues, as he is in therapy himself and constantly worried about offending his own therapist.

A joke about group therapy --- but instead of a couple or a small group of people, this patient is getting therapy alongside all of his pets. The therapist is having trouble dealing with this difficult and preposterous patient, who deeply cares about his pets feelings about him: so much so, that he's worried about discussing particular topics that might offend his fish. While it might be appropriate to not want to discuss particular topics in usual group therapy with humans, the fish can't speak english.


The procedure proved to be a worthwhile investment.

People sometimes get surgeries, especially cosmetic surgeries, in part to increase their value at work --- if they are more confident in their appearance, they might, e.g., be able to get a raise. But here, the surgery the pig got was to be turned into a piggy bank --- the joke is that becoming a piggy bank would cause the surgery to literally pay for itself, because piggy banks store money directly.

People sometimes get surgeries to improve their physical health, but this pig received surgery to become a piggy bank, which is a humorous twist on the idea of surgery having financial benefits.


The slaves rowing the boat seem desperate as their work is strenuous and their lives are terrible, yet they admire the businessman and consider his job more enviable.

The people rowing the boat are slaves --- their conditions seem dire and their job terrible. But, even the rowers take pity on the businessman, who they judge to have an even more terrible job previously. This surprising conclusion is joke is about how modern jobs are cushy, but might still feel like slavery in some ways (even though they aren't really comparable).


So, where do you see yourself in 5,000 years?

"What are your long-term goals... like, *really* long-term?"

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years" is a normal interview question about career growth, but because the boss is interviewing an ancient sphinx, the timescales humorously change to 5000 years.

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years" is a common question for young adults about life goals, but because the employee is speaking to a senior manager, the focus humorously shifts to retirement plans.


Seed money is cash provided to a startup company (like the ones the birds are running); but, the play on words implies that the birds spent the seed money literally on seeds to eat, because birds eat seeds.

The birds needed money to grow their business; however, they invested all their capital in birdseed, because birds need to eat.


My agent says it will be worth a lot more after I’m dead.

Apparently, its value skyrockets posthumously, according to my agent.

A joke about the work of artists becoming more valuable after they die, which is a common trope. Here, the agent is the one in the suit; he is correct that cavepaintings are probably worth a lot in the modern world. It's funny because while the trope applies to the modern world, it's humorous to think of the cave-people being aware of it, e.g., because they don't even have monetary systems.

The caveman hopes his artwork will be admired by future generations, leading to recognition and fame.


A play on the term "mustang." A new mustang, in the modern world, refers to the Ford Mustang, which is a type of car. But, mustang is also a type of horse. Here, the cowboy's new mustang is an upgraded type of mechanical horse, which intersects both interpretations.

The cowboy's old horse is angry because it's being replaced by a modern, mechanical one, highlighting the shift from traditional ranching to technological advancements.


The interviewee is eager to start immediately, showcasing his enthusiasm for the new opportunity, despite being unaware of the company's actual work culture.

The prior employee who had this job is getting violently chased out of the building and they need a replacement for him quickly; this is a metaphor for a toxic workplace. Even though the applicant might not want to work here because it's a bad job, he literally can't see how toxic the workplace is because he's facing the wrong way.


Your sins are forgiven, but not your co-pay.

Catholic confessionals involve priests listening and forgiving the sins of churchgoers --- in this case, the confessional is an MRI machine, which costs a lot of money to use. The play on words is: the persons sins are forgiven by the priest, but the priest cant "forgive" (i.e., cancel) the copay medical cost.

Confessionals are private spaces where individuals confess their sins, whereas MRI scans reveal internal body images for medical diagnosis, a costly procedure.


We've been struggling to enlist millenials.

Attracting younger generations has been a challenge for us.

The sailors are signaling to another vessel using maritime flags, communicating their position and intentions across the water.

The sailors are trying to recruit millennials using these new flags. Millennials are broadly tech savy because they grew up with the internet, and so the sailors think the best way to communicate with them is using emojis.


Before the event, perhaps a feast or a celebration, people are often gathered.

Prior to execution, e.g., by lethal injection, targets are often sedated. Here, the anesthesiologist for the guillotine is using the tool not for decapitating the person (the execution), but for knocking them out --- he has replaced the blade with a boxing glove which won't kill, but will punch in the face hard enough to make him lose consciousness. It's funny because when guillotines were used, they didn't consider the well-being of the person being executed, but here, they are at least trying to knock him out before executing.


Not now—I'm in the middle of a big case.

Can't talk, I'm deep into an important investigation.

A play on words: to be "in the middle of a big case" to a lawyer would usually mean that they are busy in the process of litigating an important legal case. But here: the "case" is a literal briefcase, and the lawyer is standing in the middle of it.

The humor comes from the double meaning of "case," referring both to a legal matter and the physical container they are carrying.


Excessive costs will sink your business.

The king's heavy crown gives him a headache, and his throne is far too uncomfortable for him to sit on for very long.

Overhead costs eat away at profits in companies/organizations, which can lead to their downfall. Here, however, the overhead is literally a giant sword which can literally kill the king.


No, what I said was we need more stakeholders.

Actually, I suggested broadening our circle of involved parties.

"Stakeholders" sounds like "snakeholders": stakeholders would be a normal office request, but the two people holding a snake have surprised their boss by becoming literal snakeholders instead.

The speaker's literal interpretation of "stakeholders" is that they will be impaled by stakes, leading to a dangerous office environment.


Sir, I just need you to take one small step out of the vehicle.

Sir, could you please just step out of the car for a moment?

A reference to Armstrong's famous: "one small step for man" line, which was what he said before stepping out of his space ship on the moon. In this case, the "one small step" is done in response to the common police request "step out of the vehicle".

The policeman needs to take one small step away from the rocket to avoid the lingering smoke.


What do you mean it's your mother's recipe?

"You're telling me *she* came up with this?"

The serpent is known for its deceptive nature, but Adam trusts Eve completely despite her offering a forbidden fruit.

A "mother's recipe" for pie could be passed down, but Eve was made out of a rib from Adam. So --- Eve doesn't have a mom. And if she claimed it was her mother's recipe, it wouldn't make sense.


A person doing a fancy dive off the end of a ship is unusual, because this is usually used as a method of vacation; so pirate on the ship is surprised, but instead of saying "I can't believe my eyes," a normal expression indicating surprise, he says "my eye" because he's a pirate wearing a traditional pirate hat, which causes him to only be able to afford one vacation.

A person doing a fancy dive off the end of a plank is unusual, because this is usually used as a method of execution; so pirate on the ship is surprised, but instead of saying "I can't believe my eyes," a normal expression indicating surprise, he says "my eye" because he's a pirate wearing a traditional pirate eyepatch, which causes him to only be able to see out of one eye.


The doctor says I have only three months to party.

My doc gave me a three-month pass to go wild.

Doctors often recommend rest and hydration for recovery; however, this patient seems more focused on entertainment, indicated by the television and game console in their hospital room.

Doctors sometimes give prognoses of "three months to live"; but, while this person may have received such a prognosis, they are more concerned about their "three months to party", as evidenced by the beer helmet they are wearing in their hospital bed.


Should we try that new place in the corner?

How about we give that new spot on the corner a shot?

The placement of the cart suggests it's a quirky decoration, not a functioning business, blending interior design with a playful nod to street food.

A joke about "on the corner" vs. "in the corner" --- a "new place on the corner" would be a new restaurant that just opened on the corner of a city block. but here, there's a new place "in the corner" of the current room they are sitting in: the out-of-place food truck. It's funny to think how they could have possibly not visited this food truck before, it's literally next to them in their living room.


We need to screen our organ donors more closely.

Thorough donor vetting is crucial for organ transplantation.

A play on the term "organ donors" --- an organ donor usually refers to someone who opts in to having their organs donated after their death; these folks might be screened for health conditions to make sure transplantation is safe. But here, the organ donor is someone who gave the musical instrument organ to the church; a more close screening process for someone donating a musical instrument would have presumably caught the fact that the organ isn't an instrument, it's a radiator.

We should examine the church's heating system more thoroughly before accepting any donations.


Believe me, I've tested a lot worse things when I was in pharmaceuticals.

Trust me, my time in pharma saw me experiment with far sketchier stuff.

A pigeon watching a rat testing a pair of synthetic wings is amused, since the rat probably will crash to the ground and become injured.

A rat testing a pair of synthetic wings is unlikely to enable him to fly: he probably will crash to the ground and become injured. But his response to the worried pigeon is that the prior testing he signed up to do, pharmaceutical drug testing, was more dangerous. Rats are often really test subjects for real-world drugs as part of early trials, and so while this situation is surreal, his past does seem plausible: experimental drugs might be more dangerous than jumping off a building.


The pen is mightier, but that looks awesome.

Words can wound, but that's seriously impressive.

The men are discussing the historical significance of the sword, debating whether it's an antique replica or a genuine artifact from a medieval battle.

A reference to the saying "the pen is mightier than the sword" which says that laws/written words are more powerful than physical force in the modern world. These people are questioning that saying: upon seeing the sword out-of-place in the desk, they are in awe of its physical appearance/strength. This is a funny push-back on the common adage.


If I had more dough, I'd be in first class.

With deeper pockets, I'd be flying high in luxury.

The baker is likely hoping his pizza dough doesn't fly all over the passengers in the plane.

A play on the word "dough" --- dough figuratively refers to money, and the quote can mean the person would have bought a first class ticket if he had more money. But because the person is a chef, the dough takes a second meaning: literal pizza dough, that he's tossing.


I'm here here to review the fall collection

The man in the suit is inspecting the quality of the leaves being raked for composting purposes.

A play on words. "Fall collection" can refer to fashion design: this is the "fall collection" the well dressed man in a suit is talking about. However, the "fall collection" he will get is the collection of fall leaves that the other man is raking up.


If we time it right, I can get you in this house today.

"With perfect timing, I can get you inside this house today."

A play on "timing" and 'get you in this house today" --- if a realtor were to say this to a couple outside of the context of a minigolf course, it would mean "if we act quickly, you can buy this house and move in today." but here, it takes on a second meaning: "if we can literally time our physical movements to avoid the windmill blades, you can physically get inside of this building."

The windmill provides a picturesque backdrop for their conversation, enhancing the miniature golf course's charm and appeal.


Oh, shit! What if your sister-in-law is also right about God?

Crap! What if my wife's sister is correct about the existence of God?

One of the hiker's parents warned them about bears, which turned out to be right --- the hikers were attacked by the wild animal. But, the parents also warned them about quicksand --- so this occurrence has made both hikers extra cautious of their surroundings too.

One of the hiker's sister in law believed in bigfoot, which turned out to be correct --- the hikers spotted the mythical creature. But, the sister also believes in god --- so this occurrence has made both hikers question whether or not god is real too.


Something's different... is that a new lamp?

I notice something's changed... did you get a new light?

People often make small design changes to rooms, and it's usual for guests to notice that something has changed (but perhaps be unable to specifically identify the changed component). The person notices that something is different about the room (obviously: the train tracks are the unusual piece), but fails to identify it, instead pointing towards something more benign.

People sometimes struggle to adapt to new environments, and it's understandable for individuals to feel overwhelmed by significant life transitions, but they still try to find something comforting or familiar.


Two people being "oddly suited" usually means that their outfits are surprisingly incompatible, despite attending the same event.

Two people being "oddly suited" usually means that their personalities are surprisingly compatible, despite having many differences. But here, they are literally "oddly suited," i.e., they are wearing odd suits for a party (diving suit, space suit).


I didn't say I would help. I said I'd accompany you.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm just going with you. I never promised to assist."

A play on the term "accompany" --- in this context, the man likely requested help in snow shoveling, and asked his partner to accompany him. But, instead of accompanying him by helping him, she chooses to accompany him in the musical sense, i.e., by playing music with him. It's funny because it's more fun to play the guitar than it is to shovel snow, so she tricked him.

The woman probably agreed to support him emotionally during the task, but he mistakenly thought she meant physically helping with the shoveling.


I know I don't look familiar, but, believe me, I eat here all the time.

I might not be recognizable, but I'm a regular here, I assure you.

Some restaurant employees are struggling financially. Many restaurant staff members are barely able to afford food, or in this case, groceries. The employee is eating at the restaurant frequently because it provides a meal and, e.g., is discounted or free. The employee is eating like a normal patron now, but this doesn't change the fact that he literally eats there all the time.

A joke about mice in kitchens. Some restaurant kitchens are infested with pests like cockroaches, or in this case, mice. The mice eats at the restaurant frequently because it has infested the kitchen and, e.g., eats scraps from the floor or from storage. The mouse is eating like a normal patron now, but this doesn't change the fact that he literally eats there all the time.


Past the alligator, through the ring of fire, first door on your left.

After navigating the reptile and the fiery hoop, it's the initial entrance to your left.

A joke about a weird restaurant with many comical traps like the depicted alligator pit and the not pictured ring of fire. The waiter is giving directions to the customer about the extreme perils of going to the bathroom in this establishment.

The restaurant owner is worried about the alligator escaping its enclosure, and the waiter is alerting the customers to the potential danger.


Of course—we wait forever, then two come at the same time.

Typical, you wait ages and then they both show up together.

The hikers are lost and hallucinating, imagining subway cars where there should only be trees and wildlife.

Trains in New York City are notoriously late/in-optimally scheduled. Here, the backpackers have been waiting in the woods for the trains (instead of a station), but even in absurd case, the trains are still poorly scheduled and two show up at once.


The man is attempting a dangerous stunt, seeking attention and applause from the observer in the window.

This joke is about how thankless internships can be. Interns are often tasked with thankless, difficult jobs. In this case, the intern is not only getting specific coffee orders for the business, but also (in an exaggerated fashion) doing the extremely dangerous tightrope walk.


It's the closest you'll get to Manhattan in your price range.

Manhattan living on a budget: this is it.

Manhattan is notoriously expensive to buy or rent a house in because it's quite desirable to live there or as close as possible. The joke here is that, the further one gets from manhattan, the cheaper the housing, and the couple here could only afford something so far away from manhattan that the apartment is literally in outer space.

The couple is considering buying a property in a remote location due to the limited availability of affordable housing options in urban areas.


A reference to snowglobes --- these orbs that people are walking in are seemingly required on this street. But, all the orbs look the same, and so the man, to stand out, would rather have his orb have snow, turning it into a snow globe.

The man is walking in a bubble and he wants to buy one that is a different color than the others on the sidewalk.


So, you're saying you didn't miss your last two appointments?

"Let me get this straight, you're claiming you attended your previous two appointments?"

The therapist thinks that his patient, the chameleon, missed his last two appointments because chameleons blend in with their environments. The chameleon was actually at the appointment, but blended in with the couch, so the therapist didn't see him.

The man believes that the gecko, his pet, has been shedding more than usual because geckos require a humid environment. The gecko was dehydrated and therefore shed its skin rapidly, so the man gave him water.


A play on the term "catch and release", which refers to the process of returning fish to the water after a fisherman catches them. Catch sounds like "kitsch", which refers to objects with poor aesthetics, but are ironically appreciated: such an object would be a mounted game fish (or the even kitschier, Big Mouth Billy Bass toy), which one of the fish has been transformed into by the fisherman instead of just catch-and-releasing him.

The fisherman, known for his questionable artistic choices, mounted one fish on a plaque after catching it, creating a bizarre display that blurred the lines between sport and kitsch.


Son, we finally attracted the fifty-foot-and-over demographic!

"Look, kiddo, we've snagged the giant market we've been after!"

A play on the phrase "fifty and over demographic" --- this phrase would usually refer to the group of people who are aged 50 or older, and would be of interest to people running businesses (like the father and son pictured) as a marketing target. But instead of the age 50+ demographic, they have attracted the height-of-fifty-foot+ demographic, of which this giant woman is a member.

The phrase "fifty and over demographic" describes the number of people who are fifty years of age or older, usually for business purposes to determine the marketing target.


You'll find it along the corridor, just watch your step.

Because the furnature in this house is bizarrely large, the toilet presumably would be as well. The person is giving them directions to the restroom down the hall, but if they sat on the toilet to use it, they would be in danger of falling in the bowl due to its size.

Since the appliances in this home are strangely huge, the fridge presumably would be, too. The person is showing them the kitchen down the hall, but if they tried to reach the food, they would be in danger of being crushed by the door due to its bulk.


If we truly believe in golf, I don't think we have much of a choice.

For the sake of golf's future, we're essentially obligated.

Armed conflicts often involve significant resource expenditure; in this situation, the golfers prioritizing golf over military resources highlights the perceived value of the sport.

Armed conflicts are usually between two sides with opposing ideals; in this case, the golfers fighting the army would mean that they are standing up for their core principle: golf. This is not a core principle worth risking violence for, but they are considering it.