setup:
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.
Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago.
I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

delivery: But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.


joke: Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.


setup: Why do front end developers eat lunch alone?

delivery: Because they don't know how to join tables.


setup: Hey, wanna hear a joke?

delivery: Parsing HTML with regex.


setup: I like my girls how I like my COVID.

delivery: 19 and easily spread.


setup: What's the difference between a baby and a pile of sand?

delivery: You can't pick a pile of sand up with a pitchfork.


joke: Your momma is so fat, you need to switch to NTFS to store a picture of her.


setup: I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

delivery: All I did was take a day off.


setup: How did you make your friend rage?

delivery: I implemented a greek question mark in his JavaScript code.


setup: The KKK isn't really that racist.

delivery: I went to one of their meetings and there were a lot of black people hanging around.


setup: What does a turkey dress up as for Halloween?

delivery: A gobblin'!


joke: The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


setup: My employer came running to me and said, "I was looking for you all day! Where the hell have you been?"

delivery: I replied, "Good employees are hard to find."


setup: What do you use to blindfold an Asian?

delivery: Floss.


setup: Why did the web developer walk out of a resturant in disgust?

delivery: The seating was laid out in tables.


joke:
How do you tell HTML from HTML5?
- Try it out in Internet Explorer
- Did it work?
- No?
- It's HTML5.


setup: What do Ted Bundy and the Space Shuttle Columbia have in common?

delivery: They both left bodies in four states.


setup: .NET developers are picky when it comes to food.

delivery: They only like chicken NuGet.


setup: I had a granny that we couldn't decide whether to bury or cremate

delivery: In the end we decided to just let her live.


setup: How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween?

delivery: Pump kin!


joke:
A SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables.
It approaches, and asks "may I join you?"


joke: Oysters hate to give away their pearls because they are shellfish.


setup: What is a dying programmer's last program?

delivery: Goodbye, world!


setup: What says Oh Oh Oh?

delivery: Santa walking backwards!


setup: Why are Americans bad at Dota?

delivery: They can't protect their towers.


joke: In Soviet Russia, gay sex gets you arrested. In America, getting arrested gets you gay sex.


joke: I didn't vaccinate my 10 kids and the one that survived is fine!


setup: What did the customer say to the waiter?

delivery: I'm all fed up with your service.


setup: What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

delivery: He's a fizzician.


joke: I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


joke: I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.


setup: My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex.

delivery: I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.


setup: Why is 6 afraid of 7 in hexadecimal Canada?

delivery: Because 7 8 9 A?


setup: What's the difference between an apple and a black guy?

delivery: The apple will eventually fall from the tree that it's hanging from!


setup: Why do Africans have dark skin?

delivery: It's easier to commit crimes at night.


joke: My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.


setup: Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"?

delivery: Because women don't have rights.


setup: What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

delivery: A Holly Davidson!


setup: So what's a set of predefined steps the government might take to preserve the environment?

delivery: An Al-Gore-ithm.


joke: I have a joke about trickle down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


joke:
Eight bytes walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Can I get you anything?"
"Yeah," reply the bytes.
"Make us a double."


setup: What is the least spoken language in the world?

delivery: Sign language.


setup: I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

delivery: She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights."


setup: Why does Santa have three gardens?

delivery: So he can 'ho ho ho'!


setup: What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

delivery: Attire.


setup: Why don't jews eat pussy?

delivery: It's too close to the gas chamber.


setup: What did the cell say when his sister cell stepped on his foot?

delivery: Mitosis.


setup: Two guys walked into a bar.

delivery: The third guy ducked.


joke: To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


setup: I've been in 15 school shootings and I was lucky to survive!

delivery: I just had to be nice with the cops and not resist.


setup: I used to love to tell dad jokes.

delivery: Dad, come back...


setup: What do you call a witch at the beach?

delivery: A Sandwich.


setup: I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

delivery: They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.


setup: How much did your chimney cost?

delivery: Nothing, it was on the house.


setup: Why was the mushroom always invited to parties?

delivery: Cause he's a fungi.


setup: I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket full of ironed clothes.

delivery: I watched it all unfold.


joke:
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.


setup: Why are Assembly programmers always soaking wet?

delivery: They work below C-level.


setup: What do elves post on Social Media?

delivery: Elf-ies!


setup: Why did the programmer jump on the table?

delivery: Because debug was on his screen.


setup: How do construction workers party?

delivery: They raise the roof.


setup: Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

delivery: If so, you may be entitled to condensation.


setup: A grocery store cashier asked if I would like my milk in a bag.

delivery: I told her "No, thanks. The carton works fine".


setup: What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

delivery: I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.


setup: How many nice guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

delivery: None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed off when it won't screw.


joke:
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.


setup: What's long and hard and has cum in it?

delivery: A cucumber.


setup: What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

delivery: A lip reader.


setup: What's grey and comes in pints?

delivery: An elephant.


setup: 9/11 jokes are not funny.

delivery: The other 2 though, are hilarious!


setup: Everyone says that Hitler really loved animals.

delivery: Then why did he kill 6 million of them?


setup: This morning I accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

delivery: I was already on the highway when I noticed I forgot my car at home.


setup: How does a black woman fight crime?

delivery: She has an abortion.


setup: What do you call a caveman's fart?

delivery: A blast from the past.


setup: What do you call a cow with no legs?

delivery: Ground beef.


setup: Where do sick cruise ships go to get healthy?

delivery: The dock!


setup:
The gas Argon walks into a bar.
The barkeeper says "What would you like to drink?"

delivery: But Argon doesn't react.


setup: What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?

delivery: The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.


setup: Why do Java programmers hate communism?

delivery: They don't want to live in a classless society.


setup: What are bits?

delivery: Tiny things left when you drop your computer down the stairs.


setup:
Went to the doctors for a prostate exam.
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate.

delivery: But still, I wish he hadn't.


joke:
Nowadays people are so sensitive, you can't even say "black paint" anymore.
Instead, you have to say "Jamal, please paint the fence".


setup: Why did the JavaScript heap close shop?

delivery: It ran out of memory.


setup: I was walking down the street and saw some black guy on a bike and it looked just like mine so I ran home to check.

delivery: Thankfully he was still chained up in my basement.


setup: People are like jellybeans and licorice:

delivery: No one likes the blacks.


setup: How do you keep black people out of your back yard?

delivery: Hang one in the front!


setup: What's the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

delivery: One's a heated yam, the other's a yeeted ham.


joke: Stop being homophobic and rude to the LGBTQ+ community. You should be thanking them for saving us plenty of room in heaven.


setup: My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

delivery: I'm feeling cannelloni now. :'(


setup: What's the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

delivery: The look on their face when you are nailing them.


setup: What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

delivery: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.


joke: I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


setup: A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender...

delivery: "Five beers, please."


setup: What do you call a Jewish Pokemon Trainer?

delivery: Ash.


setup: What time did the man go to the dentist?

delivery: Tooth hurt-y.


setup: If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need.

delivery: Not all this "How the fuck did you get in my house?!" nonsense.


setup: Programming is like sex.

delivery: Make one mistake and you end up supporting it for the rest of your life.


joke:
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.


joke:
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.


setup: How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

delivery:
Walking...
JK, Rolling.


joke: UDP is better in the COVID era since it avoids unnecessary handshakes.


setup: Why do they call it hyper terminal?

delivery: Too much Java.


joke: Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.


setup: What do an orgasm and a pulse have in common?

delivery: I don't care if she has one.


setup: White people don't shoot each other in the streets as black people do.

delivery: They do it in schools because they have class.


joke: Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.


setup: How do you generate a random string?

delivery: Put a Windows user in front of Vim and tell them to exit.


setup: What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

delivery: Quatro Sinko.


setup: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?

delivery: He was a dirty double-crosser!


setup: Why did the Python programmer not respond to the foreign mails he got?

delivery: Because his interpreter was busy collecting garbage.


setup: What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

delivery: One's satisfying to hit with a sledgehammer. The other's a watermelon.


setup: My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you always procrastinate."

delivery: I said, "Oh yeah... Just you wait."


setup: Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

delivery: A mince spy!


joke: Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it.


setup: Life's like my dick.

delivery: The more children you have, the harder it gets.


joke:
"Honey, go to the store and buy some eggs."
"OK."
"Oh and while you're there, get some milk."
He never returned.


setup: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

delivery: No eye deer.


joke:
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.


setup: Jokes about anti-vaxxer parents never get old.

delivery: Just like their kids.


joke:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Recursion.
Recursion who?
Knock knock.


setup: What do you call a cop's penis after he's done masturbating?

delivery: Pulled pork.


setup: How did the programmer die in the shower?

delivery: He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.


setup: What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

delivery: The elf-abet!


setup: What do you call a group of 8 Hobbits?

delivery: A Hobbyte.


setup: What's the difference between Harry Potter and the jews?

delivery: Harry escaped the chamber.


setup: What's yellow and can't swim?

delivery: A bus full of children.


setup: Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?

delivery: She was caught trying to import pandas!


joke:
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying "Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in June!"
"Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me?" I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It's now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won't say where she got them.


setup: How many Jews can you fit into a car?

delivery: Two in the front, three in the back, and a hundred in the ashtray.


setup: Thank you student loans for getting me through college.

delivery: I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.


joke:
Documentation is like sex:
When it's good, it's very good.
When it's bad, it's better than nothing...


setup: Why did the programmer quit his job?

delivery: Because he didn't get arrays.


joke:
Have a great weekend!
I hope your code behaves the same on Monday as it did on Friday.


setup: Why was the JavaScript developer sad?

delivery: Because they didn't Node how to Express themself!


setup: What happens when you don't obey the KGB?

delivery: You get Putin jail.


setup: What is the best prefix for global variables?


joke: Yo mama is so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.


setup: why do python programmers wear glasses?

delivery: Because they can't C.


setup: Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

delivery: Because he had a low "elf" esteem!


setup: What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?

delivery: Names.


setup: My wife divorced me so I stole her wheelchair.

delivery: Guess who came crawling back.


setup: I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.

delivery: THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.


setup: I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.

delivery: Then it dawned on me.


setup: Why did the banana go see a doctor?

delivery: Because it wasn't peeling well.


setup: What part of a vegetable are you not supposed to eat?

delivery: The wheelchair.


joke: A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!" to which the man replies, "I am a programmer.  We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."


joke: I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


joke:
"Can I tell you a TCP joke?"
"Please tell me a TCP joke."
"OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke."


setup: To prove he was right, the flat-earther walked to the end of the Earth.

delivery: He eventually came around.


joke: Your mama's so FAT she can't save files bigger than 4GB.


setup: Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage?

delivery: It was wrong on so many levels.


setup: When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma.

delivery: Unfortunately, that didn't impress anyone at the cremation...


setup: Why do German showers have 11 holes?

delivery: Because Jews only have 10 fingers.


joke: I'd tell you a joke about NAT but I would have to translate.


setup: Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?

delivery: You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.


setup: What did one necrophiliac tell the other necrophiliac after work?

delivery: "Let's go have a couple of cold ones!"


joke: A perfectionist walked into a bar... apparently, the bar was not set high enough.


setup: Which part of the hospital has the least privacy?

delivery: The ICU.


setup: "99.9% of the people are dumb!"

delivery: "Fortunately I belong to the remaining 1%"


joke: If you're here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.


joke:
Two C strings walk into a bar.
The bartender asks "What can I get ya?"
The first string says "I'll have a gin and tonic."
The second string thinks for a minute, then says "I'll take a tequila sunriseJF()#$JF(#)$(@J#()$@#())!*FNIN!OBN134ufh1ui34hf9813f8h8384h981h3984h5F!##@"
The first string apologizes, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."


setup: I'm sure good looking lesbians look at fat lesbians and give them no chance.

delivery: Until they see their fingers.


setup: Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six-pack abs?

delivery: He did CrossFit.


setup: What do you call a developer who doesn't comment code?

delivery: A developer.


setup: Why do Hong Kong cops like to go to work early?

delivery: To beat the crowd.


setup: So I made a graph of all my past relationships.

delivery: It has an ex axis and a why axis.


joke: I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.


setup: Say what you want about pedophiles...

delivery: But at least they drive slowly through the school zones.


setup: Why does no one like SQLrillex?

delivery: He keeps dropping the database.


setup: What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

delivery: They're both meat substitutes.


joke: Debugging is like being the detective in a crime movie where you're also the murderer at the same time.


setup: What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus?

delivery: A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.


setup: What do Asian people call fingers?

delivery: Limb Limbs.


joke: Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.


setup: Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day.

delivery: I told her, "We already have food in the house".


setup: Why do programmers prefer using the dark mode?

delivery: Because light attracts bugs.


joke: // This line doesn't actually do anything, but the code stops working when I delete it.


setup: What's the difference between a feminist and a grenade?

delivery: The grenade actually accomplishes something when it triggers.


setup: How does a Jewish person make tea?

delivery: Hebrews it.


joke: Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


setup: Why is every gender equality officer female?

delivery: Because it's cheaper.


joke: Algorithm: A word used by programmers when they don't want to explain how their code works.


setup: What is the difference between a pizza and a black man?

delivery: A pizza can feed a family of five.


setup: What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

delivery: Nothing. You already told her twice.


joke: I was struggling to figure out how lightning works, but then it struck me.


setup: The past, the present and the future walk into a bar.

delivery: It was tense.


joke:
A byte walks into a bar looking miserable.
The bartender asks it: "What's wrong buddy?"
"Parity error." it replies.
"Ah that makes sense, I thought you looked a bit off."


joke: I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it - it was a shihtzu.


setup: Why are modern programming languages so materialistic?

delivery: Because they are object-oriented.


setup: Why did the functional programmer get thrown out of school?

delivery: Because he refused to take classes.


setup: Why do ghosts go on diets?

delivery: So they can keep their ghoulish figures.


setup: What's the difference between a little girl and a fridge?

delivery: Fridges don't scream when you put your meat in them.


setup: What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?

delivery: They gave him the cold shoulder.


setup: Which is faster, Hot or cold?

delivery: Hot, because you can catch a cold


joke:
A horse walks into a bar.
"Hey", the Bartender says.
"Sure", the horse replies.


setup: What's the difference between a phone and a black person?

delivery: A phone is actually useful.


setup: What does the mermaid wear to math class?

delivery: Algae-bra.


setup: What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

delivery: The taste.


joke: Java and C were telling jokes. It was C's turn, so he writes something on the wall, points to it and says "Do you get the reference?" But Java didn't.


joke:
Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".
The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea: How about we all get out of the car and get back in".


setup: One time I masturbated on a plane.

delivery: I called it "highjacking".


setup: Who is Santa's favourite singer?

delivery: Elf-is Presley!


setup: I hate Russian matryoshka dolls.

delivery: They're so full of themselves.


setup: What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

delivery: Inheritance.


joke:
A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a price on a drink.
The barkeeper says: "For you... no charge!"


setup: What does a woman's pussy and a chainsaw have in common?

delivery: Miss by a few inches and you're in deep shit.


setup: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

delivery: Acne usually comes on a boys face *after* he turns 12.


setup: Why do Jewish women prefer circumcised men?

delivery: Cause they won't take anything until it's at least 10% off.


joke: Today I learned that changing random stuff until your program works is "hacky" and a "bad coding practice" but if you do it fast enough it's "Machine Learning" and pays 4x your current salary.


setup: How can you tell an extroverted programmer?

delivery: He looks at YOUR shoes when he's talking.


joke:
What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you....
But I don't compare apples to oranges.


joke: The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.


setup: The average penis has...

delivery:
Been in and around my ex-girlfriend's mouth.
Fuck you, Karen!


joke: Two SQL tables sit at the bar. A query approaches and asks "Can I join you?"


setup: No matter how kind you are...

delivery: German kids are always Kinder.


joke: Being a self-taught developer is almost the same as being a cut neck chicken because you have no sense of direction in the beginning.


setup: What do dermatologists and the KKK have in common?

delivery: They both remove blackheads.


setup: My grandma was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and she keeps calling me by the wrong name.

delivery: Other than that, the sex is great.


setup: I'm not saying my son is ugly...

delivery: But on Halloween he went to tell the neighbors to turn down their TV and they gave him some candy.


setup: I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.

delivery: He said from now on I have to pay in advance.


setup: I told my wife to shave her pussy.

delivery: I woke up bald.


setup: Why did the koala get rejected?

delivery: Because he did not have any koalafication.


setup: Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

delivery: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25


joke:
The six stages of debugging:
1. That can't happen.
2. That doesn't happen on my machine.
3. That shouldn't happen.
4. Why does that happen?
5. Oh, I see.
6. How did that ever work?


setup: Arguing with a woman is like reading a software's license agreement.

delivery: In the end you ignore everything and click "I agree".


setup: Muslim women are horrible competitors.

delivery: No matter what they do, they always get beat.


setup: I walked into a bar once.

delivery: It really hurt my head.


joke: How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


setup: You see, mountains aren't just funny.

delivery: They are hill areas.


setup: What do you call a pile of kittens?

delivery: A meowntain.


setup: Why should you never talk to pi?

delivery: Because it will go on forever.


joke:
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"

[very long pause]

"Java."


setup: How long does a black woman take to throw away the garbage?

delivery: Nine months.


setup: Do you know what killed the man who had a two ton pumpkin fall on him?

delivery: He was squashed.


setup: I'm thinking of setting up a comedy group to help people going through cancer treatment.

delivery: I'll call it "A Sense of Tumor".


joke: My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.


setup: What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

delivery: Gang rape.


setup: I won the lottery today!

delivery: Well, I only got the first two numbers, but my lawyers are working on having them stop the count.


joke: Hey girl are you a school? Because I want to shoot some kids up inside of you.


setup: What's black and sits at the top of a stairwell?

delivery: A paraplegic after a house fire.


setup:
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in the divorce court.
"Mickey", the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

delivery:
"I didn't say she was insane", exclaims Mickey.
"I said she was fucking Goofy."


setup: What's the most notable similarity between a pedophile and a roller coaster?

delivery: They both make a child scream, but the first ride's never the last


setup: Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

delivery: There was nothing but de brie.


setup: Why can't orphans play baseball?

delivery: They don't know where home is.


joke:
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers.
The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float".
The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."


setup: What do you get if you lock a monkey in a room with a typewriter for 8 hours?

delivery: A regular expression.


setup: Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

delivery: Because you can't use medicine on an empty stomach.


setup: What's the best thing about Switzerland?

delivery: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


setup: What kind of bees produce milk?

delivery: Boo-Bees.


setup: Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party?

delivery: Because he had no body to go with!


setup: Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?

delivery: It's too high a price "toupee."


setup: Why are cats so good at video games?

delivery: They have nine lives.


setup: Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

delivery: He just needed a little space.


joke: Women are like KFC, once you're done with the breasts and thighs, you just have a greasy box to put your bone in.


setup: Why is Linux safe?

delivery: Hackers peak through Windows only.


setup: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and the USSR? Don't both of them guarantee freedom of speech?

delivery: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.


joke: My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her. She'll finally experience what rejection is really like.


joke: I've got a really good UDP joke to tell you but I don’t know if you'll get it.


joke: Java is like Alzheimer's, it starts off slow, but eventually, your memory is gone.


setup: Why did the database administrator leave his wife?

delivery: She had one-to-many relationships.


joke: How do you make holy water? You freeze it and drill holes in it.


setup: Dark humor is like cancer.

delivery: It's funnier when children get it.


category: Pun

type: twopart

setup: What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

delivery: Dam.


category: Dark

type: single

joke: My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"


setup: Why does the size of the snack not matter to a giraffe?

delivery: Because even a little bit goes a long way.


category: Programming

setup: Hey baby I wish your name was asynchronous...

delivery: ... so you'd give me a callback.


joke: There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.


setup: The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick.

delivery: She still isn't talking to me.


category: Christmas

setup: Why does Santa go down the chimney?

delivery: Because it soots him!


setup: Why did the Romanian stop reading?

delivery: They wanted to give the Bucharest.


joke:
Judge: "I sentence you to the maximum punishment..."
Me (thinking): "Please be death, please be death..."
Judge: "Learn Java!"
Me: "Damn."


setup: What do you call a cheap circumcision?

delivery: A rip off.


joke: If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed ... Oh wait, he does.


category: Misc

setup: My wife left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.

delivery: Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.


category: Spooky

setup: What is in a ghost's nose?

delivery: Boo-gers.


setup: What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?

delivery: A refrigerator doesn't fart when I pull my meat out of it.


setup: What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

delivery: Claustrophobia!


setup: How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

delivery: No Brussels!


setup: What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

delivery: An outlaw is wanted.


setup: Why did the ghost go to the bar?

delivery: To get sheet faced.


setup: How do we know Jesus wasn't black?

delivery: He would have been hung from a tree, not a cross.


setup: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

delivery: None. It's a hardware problem.


setup: What is the most used language in programming?

delivery: Profanity.


setup: I was feeling depressed, my wife put her hand on my back and said "Earth."

delivery: It meant the world to me.


joke:
Hey Girl,
Roses are #ff0000,
Violets are #0000ff,
I use hex codes,
But I'd use RGB for you.


joke: Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.


joke: I have a joke about Stack Overflow, but you would say it's a duplicate.


setup: Whats the Grinchs least favorite band?

delivery: The Who.


setup: What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?

delivery: He got repossessed.


setup: Why do programmers wear glasses?

delivery: Because they need to C#


joke: I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.


joke: I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"


joke: Me and my Jewish friend were eating lunch and I farted. He got mad so I said "cmon man a little gas never killed anyone".


setup: What kind of car did Whitney Houston drive?

delivery: A Hyundaiiiiiiiiiiii


setup: What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?

delivery: It's a pain in the neck.


setup: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

delivery: He wiped his ass.


joke:
Doctor: "I have some news about your baby."
Parents: "Don't tell us the gender, we want to keep it a surprise."
Doctor: "Oh I get it, you're those type of people. Okay, well IT is not breathing."


joke:
I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus.
I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:
He said "Weird flex, butt okay."


setup: Why didn't the skeleton go for prom?

delivery: Because it had nobody.


setup: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

delivery: His wife is dead.


setup: What's Santa's favourite type of music?

delivery: Wrap!


setup: What's green and smells like pork?

delivery: Kermit's Fingers.


setup: Why was the river rich?

delivery: Because it had two banks.


setup: What do you call a bird sitting with their legs spread?

delivery: A prostitweety.


joke: I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."


setup: Why are men like lawnmowers?

delivery: They are very hard to get started, they make yucky smells and half the time they don't even work.


setup: How do you know God is a shitty programmer?

delivery: He wrote the OS for an entire universe, but didn't leave a single useful comment.


setup: Two peanuts were walking.

delivery: One was assaulted.


setup: Why did the ghost go inside the bar?

delivery: For the boos.


joke:
Two reasons I don't give money to homeless people.
1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol
2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.


joke: I don't know where I stand on abortion. I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice.


setup: Why do cows wear bells?

delivery: Because their horns don't work!