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I Love Myself |
07/07/2011 |
Tears roll down my face like boulders rolling down a hill as I ponder the reality of my situation. Two weeks and a few days has thus far been my sentence at the Ballarat Acute Psychiatric Facility. I have been informed that I suffer from a "thought illness". The lifetime that it took me to condition my mind the way tha... |
My life's search for meaning and greater understanding is not "normal" thus needs treating. The fact that I never attempted to be "normal" remains unconsidered, and I get stuck in a system attempting to "normalise" me. The fact that my life has been spent to remove the box and not think inside it remains ignored. Their... |
I have spent my life breaking outside of the box for a reason: because I did not like what was inside the box. It held nothing but hostility and empty promises. It gave ignorance and consumerism as its gifts and I saw those not to be gifts but instead bait. Bait to get sucked into an meaningless life. A life without me... |
I hate currency. Others attempt to push me to say that it is fine for some people but I no longer think that it is. To use currency beyond basic needs is to agree that there is value in said plastic. It is to agree to work with a system that will only work with you if you conform to its values. It encourages greed and ... |
But the fact that I love myself, or better stated, the person that I have built myself to be, remains an ignored factor. The reason I am imprisoned here is not because of my own dealings with myself, but my dealings with society. The object of my conditioning has been declared unfit for the general public. I am being [... |
Parental Complex |
09/07/2011 |
A few days after I entered this psychiatric ward I fasted for three days. I found out, as a result of the fast, that I am never content with [what is], which causes me to excessively strive for something that [is not]. I have used my life always pushing for what could be and not what was. This was the cause of my suffe... |
In light of this information, I believe that I have found the root of this deeply seeded striving and it lies as a result from my parents. They are the ones that have never been happy with me - my decisions in life and the person that I choose to be. I cannot remember the last time I talked to either of my parents and ... |
I believe that this constant disapproval in my life helped fashion me. I kept learning how to be better, but it was never in line with what either of my parents thought to be better. My parents constant push for me to change, constantly pushed me to change, but not in the direction they hoped for. |
I believe my father has stopped doing this recently. I think that he has "given up", but in fact this could be beneficial for our relationship. At first I thought him to no longer care, but after some time I have found him standing back to be beneficial to our future relationship. He no longer seems to make judgements ... |
My mother on the other hand is just as hard headed as I am. She believes that she has been enlightened with all the answers. And her answer: "do not think". She wants what she thinks is best for me. And what she thinks is best for me is for me to not be me. And I believe it better to be out of sync with the entire worl... |
Community is Belonging |
18/07/2011 |
A writing contest for an insane asylum that was refused entry. |
To belong is to be comfortable within one's environment. Humans are communal creatures who excel within social environments. To belong is to know and love oneself, sharing one's talents and gifts with all who are around that can benefit from them. To belong one must find themselves and then figure out how their gifts a... |
In order to be good for others, one must first be good for themselves. Before others can reap the benefits of one's offerings, one first needs a healthy mind and a healthy body. Without a healthy mind, the body will not know how to coherently interact with its surroundings. Similarly, without a healthy body, the mind c... |
Once mental and physical health is obtained, one stands in a lighthouse, able to see clearly what it is that is around them and what direction they need to go. With health comes the ability to make clear and concise decisions directed towards the future. When physical and mental health is obtained, one is able to objec... |
Being is belonging. But sometimes our minds are too busy from distractions of our own lives to see what being really is. Being is observed as our day to day struggles but this could not be further from the truth of being. To 'be' consists of a conscious awareness. This awareness does not necessarily need any external f... |
To be is belonging. Belonging is communal. Just as the right hand becomes incoherent without the left, our mission in life is to find out what body part we are and learn to function as it the best we can. To belong in a community is not conforming with what said community wants you to be, but being yourself to the best... |
Hospital Feedback |
01/08/2011 |
To the insane asylum quality control, |
I have been shaped and moulded by your counterparts to be a submissive collectivist who conforms to whatever it is that his superiors wishes upon him. I was once an individual who took pride in being something different, but now have been punished for this mentality. The only way that I found to be released from your p... |
Complete and utter compliance is your health professional's goal. They not only push one to agree with the given diagnosis, but also push one to agree with their chosen treatment path, which does not involve one's input. I noticed both in myself and in other people around me that there existed a general consensus with ... |
The ward is not a place of healing but instead a place of misery. Healing is not encouraged. Not a soul responds to one's tears. The ward is reduced as a holding cell to ensure that patients consume their medications. The consistent malice from other patients confirms this premise. You have not provided a very nice atm... |
This has been the worst thing that I have ever experienced in my life. The psychiatrist is not concerned with my life and the way that I wish to live it, but a statistical life and the way that it generally lives it. Your unit does not provide a holistic healing environment but instead a prison to “re-process” people y... |
I was told by my psychiatrist that “I lack insight into my condition”, but this was the end of the conversation and not the beginning. To be disillusioned means that sight is not clear. I was not told where my sight was unclear. The beginning of a conversation was pushed as the end. Was I supposed to just blindly accep... |
If it was under my control I would investigate down the line to find the root cause of my problems, so then I could work on that instead of just treating symptom after symptom. Your system will never truly help people because it ignores the root cause! Otherwise you would at least have psychologist readily available to... |
How is one supposed to remedy lack of insight? By carefully studying that which we are talking about. My "mental illness", my medications, my lost perceptions, related conditions, brain chemistry, and any other related scientific understandings of my said delusions. But this was impossible seeing as there was no materi... |
I am told that I am disillusioned for burning my identification. I am not. I saw a problem – the root of the problem – and did what I needed to do to begin its rectification. Those numbers all over everything that apparently is, “me”, are in fact not me. I have been reduced to a number my entire life. Your system reduc... |
Once admitted in your hospital, one cannot win. One must be extremely careful of their language because it will be taken out of context and used against you at a later date. One is damned if they speak and damned if they do not. At one point I chose to exercise my freedom of silence and a senior staff member responded ... |
How has your system helped me? It has not. I could not voice my concerns because if I did I would of remained captive in your system for much longer. Now that I am out I plan to get my medication right [off] and get better. Your detention centre does not give room for one to get better. Locking one up against their wil... |
Sincerely, |
Wendell |
I do not stop writing these people. |
They ignore me. |
CHAPTER 9 |
YOUR MOVE |
January 11, 2019 |
Dearest Court, |
My name is Wendell Charles NeSmith and I am an activist. I find what is bad in the world and then protest it. This is an open and shut case, although I doubt you will make it that way. Because the real truth and real evidence to this order being unjust is that I was never at risk to myself or anyone else. So all of the... |
I am a philosopher. Yes, I actually graduated from Murdoch University in Philosophy. Sure my ideals don’t conform to your social norm. I would be worried if they did because I chose philosophy because it exposes the follies of your social norm. Just because I refuse to adhere to your social norm, does NOT make me at ri... |
If you refuse to closely examine my work, and ultimately vote in favour of my side, then you will go to Hell. Because over the last ten years your system has tortured me merely because I am a philosopher which they refuse to understand or learn. And I have never frightened anybody from my actions, for my actions are pu... |
Please realise that the documentation in which ACAT (ACT Civil and Administrative Tribunal) has provided you, is fake. They just write a bunch of shit down, much of which has little to no truth value in it. But their Satanic documentation is what you understand, instead of REAL documentation which is created by the ind... |
I will never stop fighting these crazy people. Your entire mental health system is the most unhealthy system that I have ever seen in my life and it has no problems constantly violating human rights, and by definition, torturing their patients/victims. If you can’t see the red flag here then you are blind as a bat and ... |
Psychiatry is a pseudoscience. It has no absolute value. It packages symptoms and then labels them, as if that label actually carries some value beyond human created knowledge. Hence, psychiatry is a religion and its corruption mostly started with behaviourists such as Carl Jung and Edward Bernays (not Freud, because h... |
This is an open and shut case. I was never at risk to myself or others. I was merely doing what I do best: being a philosopher. And if you are to punish me for doctrinal differences, then that proves the existence of the religion call psychiatry; the false religion which is destroying the world. If we are to put labels... |
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